


Curse of the Forsaken [HIATUS]

by wonton_wonho



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angel Wings, Dark Love, Dark Romance, Fallen Angels, M/M, Rating May Change, Tags May Change, a lot of bible references, angel au, depends on my mood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2018-11-16 06:26:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 30,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11248179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonton_wonho/pseuds/wonton_wonho
Summary: A pure angel, a devoted servant to God. Disguised as a human to carry out work on Earth.A fallen angel, the furthest you could get from God. Cursed to walk the Earth as punishment for a heinous crime.The fall from grace is easy. Sometimes all it takes is the little seed of doubt for the world to come crashing down around you.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> You may have come across this work on asian fanfics as well. And yes I am the same author.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to apologise to everyone who read this fic before I updated everything. I didn't even realise that the chapters were all messed up and stuff but I've made sure they're right now so dw. Please enjoy my fic now.

{How the curse of the forsaken came to be}

Panic settled in, engulfing every other emotion. I scurried behind a tall pillar as he strode into the,my, church. I couldn't believe my cowardice. I had pleaded him to come and never expected now to feel such an abhorrence towards my own idea. His strides echoed throughout the church followed by a dull scraping. Peeking out from the pillar I saw him standing in all his horror. His hands bloodied and dripping. His suit smooth and pristine. Behind him dark wings fell from his shoulder blades and fell to the floor. Moonlight shone in from the skylight, flooding him in natural light. Even with the natural light it felt unnatural. His skin glowed deathly pale and his eyes glistened sadistically. His eyes roamed the church and stopped on my pillar. I let out a soft gasp and moved my head into the protection of the solid pillar. I took a glimpse from behind the pillar and his eyes zeroed in on me.

His voice resounded through the room, "How you have fallen from heaven, O star of the morning, son of the dawn! You have been cut down to the earth, you who have weakened the nations!"

I gasped again this time even louder. He cackled as if he knew he had a hit a nerve. I stepped out from behind the pillar. He knew my secret, the truth. I felt a sudden change stir inside of me. I glared at him and held my head up. His mouth set in a line and his eyes furrowed. His wings fluttered unconsciously, a reflex to his emotions.

I no longer felt the abhorrence, the fear. I needn't fear someone who was as cowardly as me. I took long careful steps towards him. My steps too were followed by a dull scraping. I rolled my shoulders and as I did my wings obeyed my will. Carefully they lifted off the ground and curled themselves around my body. A soft ivory feather floated to the ground in front of him. His slender fingers reached down and picked up the feather as if it were glass and would break any second. His fingers still covered in blood tainted the feather.

"Do you not remember? Yours were once the same. Until, just like the one in your hand, it was tainted by evil." Still staring at the feather his mouth scrunched up in disgust then turned up. He threw down the feather. Before it hit the ground it erupted in flames and ivory dust like winter frost fell to the dark church floor. He nodded his head and looked at the floor but his eyes seemed to look through the floor rather than at it.

"It is true. I was once like you. I was loved by all but," he bitterly smiled as if recalling a long forgotten memory "love isn't the same for angels as it is for humans. They say it's love but love doesn't restrict you. Love doesn't stop you from following your heart. So I broke free and here I am. Cursed but free. More than I can say about you." He spread his arms wide and looked up at the moon. His ebony wings spread out with his arms. I stared at him enviously.

"Couldn't break free could you? You didn't have the courage did you? You're just like the others up there. Never seeing things for what they are until it's too late. Ugh you all disgust me" He jeered. I was truly a coward. I couldn't even do what I needed to do. At least he could break free from the restrictions of heaven.

"I need your help. I want to be like you." My voice sounded so timid compared to before. He gave me a knowing smile.

"You can't expect me to help you when you can't even help yourself. You still haven't broken free from the restrictions of heaven. If you had your wings would no longer be this beautiful ivory colour." He slipped his fingers between the folds of my feathers and plucked one out. My wings unconsciously recoiled from his touch. I fell to my knees. If only he knew the numerous times I had tried. He was my last resort. I had thought coming to him would have been enough to break free. I stared at my hands then at his. Would I have to resort to such extreme measures? His eyes followed my gaze to his hands and he chuckled.

I looked up at him and pleaded with my eyes. When that didn't work I went back to staring at the floor. I curled my wings around my body again. I felt his hands trail down my wings. I shivered. No one had ever touched my wings. I had never realised how good it felt. He leaned down, his lips brushing against my ear as he whispered:

 "The only way to become like me is to kill another angel."


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first a few things need to be clarified. 
> 
> 1\. Humans can't see angel wings.
> 
> 2\. There is a heirarchy in the angel world. The higher positions are in heaven and the lowest on Earth. But positions on Earth are somewhat glorified to make it more appealing to angels.
> 
> 3\. In the prologue you saw how angels fall. By killing another angel. The first few fallen angels were cursed with the curse of the forsaken which is bestowed upon all angels who choose to fall. The curse is important. Because of the curse the secret of how to fall is forbidden from being told. They cannot enter any religious house either. Fallen angels are also cursed to stay on Earth forever. They aren't accepted in heaven nor hell. To angels fallen angels are just a myth that is around to scare angels.
> 
> Keep this all in mind when reading. Enjoy!

 "And that was it for today's inspirational talk. Thank you Hoseok for sharing your journey from depression to now."

"No thank you for letting me spread the message that,at even the lowest points in your life, God is always there and will help you if you believe." Hoseok smiled graciously. Joshua's heart warmed, he remembered how a year ago Hoseok had come to him crying,on the verge of killing himself and now here he was smiling. 

"Indeed. God is always with you. Never forget that. Now that's it for today's services. If you're attending today's support group for recovering alcoholics then please make your way to the Sunday School annex where food and refreshments await you. Donation boxes are situated by the exit. Please donate if you can as this weeks donations go towards cancer research. Thank you all for attending and I hope to see you all again next week Sunday." Joshua bowed before placing the mic back onto its stand. He straightened his suit before saying good-bye to Hoseok and watching as people either left the Church or moved towards the annex. 

"Joshua! Joshua!" a familiar voice called,desperate to catch Joshua's attention. Joshua scanned the Church in search of the voice until his eyes landed on his good friend,Chan. Joshua strided over to him smiling. 

"Hey Chan. What are you doing on Earth?" It was a rare sight to see Chan on Earth,usually he was here to relay messages.

"Guess what? I finally got myself assigned to a human. I'm finally a guardian angel!" 

"I knew it would happen soon," Joshua hugged him laughing at how hyper Chan was. "So who's the lucky human?" 

"Lee Jiyeon. She attends the support group here. For now I'm only shadowing her but in a few days I'll get to introduce myself." 

"Ah Jiyeon. She's been attending the support group for a while now. She keeps relapsing. Problems at home with her husband she says." Joshua's voice saddened but quickly picked up when he saw Chan frown. "You know what why don't you sit in for todays session? Seokmin leads the meetings and I'm sure he'll be happy to see you on Earth finally." Joshua spoke as he guided Chan towards the annex. Chan's wings fluttered a bit and Joshua chuckled. "Don't be nervous. You won't be participating or anything.We'll just sit in a corner and watch over them."

They entered the annex quietly, Seokmin noticed them and smiled briefly before he returned to focusing on the group. The meeting was over quickly with everything going smoothly. Chan was happy to have learned more about Jiyeon and Seokmin was happy to see him on Earth, wanting to know all that was going on up there. Chan had to shadow Jiyeon some more so he left with Seokmin who kept asking a million and one questions.

 As Joshua waved them off the sky was bleak and grey showing obvious signs of rain. Joshua closed the doors of the Church, sure that no one was going to turn up, but left the doors unlocked like he did all the time. He regarded his Church as being a 24 hour Church. Joshua even lived there in an extension at the back of the Church. He lingered in the Church before he made his way up the stairs of the extension into his apartment. He swapped his suit for a more comfortable pair of sweats and a warm jumper before getting into bed.

Joshua was in bed reading when he heard the booming sound of someone banging on the Church doors over the rain drumming against the window. Joshua rushed down the stairs and across the Church,barefoot, his footsteps echoing solemnly. The sharp thudding on the door increased in an urgent manner. When Joshua threw open the doors he could barely see the shape of the person collapsed on a heap on the floor covered with what seemed to be a cloak in the dark. Joshua dropped to his knees and peered at the persons face. It was a guy who seemed to be around Joshua's age. He was saying something but Joshua couldn't hear him over the rain that was peltering his face and wetting the floor of the Church. 

"I can't hear you." Joshua shouted over the rain his voice laced with worry. The guy spoke again but Joshua still couldn't hear him. "I still can't hear you. Look...wait come inside. It's safe to enter don't worry." Joshua gently helped the stranger up and led him inside, closing the Church doors. He sat the stranger down on one of the pews and stared at the stranger. He had blonde hair that was stuck to his scalp because of the rain, pale porcelain skin, and thin lips that were blue from the cold. Sitting there the stranger was wet to the bone and dripping water all over the floor. He was shaking and his teeth were chattering. Joshua hurried to his apartment and grabbed a towel and blanket.

When he returned he saw the stranger gazing at the stained glass window. Joshua handed him the towel and blanket but the stranger didn't move and instead kept staring at the stained glass window. Joshua looked at the window too. It was an alluring window. It depicted a scene of an angel standing with it's wings spread. In the background a rose bush - blood red roses blooming. The sun was setting - painting the sky a warm orange, a startling contrast to the silvery feathers of the angel. However the most captivating thing about the window was the one obsidian feather among the silvery ones. Joshua had always thought it was a mistake on the artists part, it was easy to make mistakes with the amount of glass needed to create the window. 

"It's changed." Joshua was pulled away from his thoughts by the soft airy voice of the stranger.  

"No. That stained glass window has been the same from even before I came to work here." Joshua spoke matter-of-factly. He'd worked there for longer than any humans life span and the stained glass window had been there when he first came to the Church. The stranger looked at Joshua while grabbing the towel and drying his hair. 

"No. It has changed. I wonder if He changed it because of me?" the stranger spoke absentmindedly. "If He did kudos to him it depicts Us perfectly. I wonder if he's listening? Hey if you're listening,which you probably are, " the stranger suddenly started shouting to the ceiling. "Just know that I'm making a move on your angels. Starting with this pure soul over here. So much potential. He could be one of the higher angels you know? He could easily replace whoever is now in charge of overlooking the Book of Fate. But instead he's wasting away here in the same Church I once watched over. Did you even tell him the story of what happened in the exact same place where he stands and preaches your words?" the stranger turned to look at him. Joshua took a step back. 

"Who are you?" Joshua spoke, his voice fearful.The stranger laughed. 

"No surprise he didn't tell you about me." The stranger stood up throwing the wet cloak off his shoulders. Ebony wings revealed themselves, exhibiting their wonderous beauty as the stranger stretched them out. "Guess what I am?" 

Joshua gawked at the raven feathers for a few minutes trying to work out what the stranger was. Only one angel had wings like that,Lucifer, but he was in hell where he planned on staying forever. The only other type of angel Joshua could think of that had wings like that were... A look of realisation crossed Joshua's face and the angel before him smirked. 

"But...you're supposed to be a myth. Fallen angels are just a myth made up to scare angels." Joshua sputtered out, trying to make sense of the situation. "You can't even be standing in here. Shouldn't you be a pile of angel dust or something by now?"

"Angel dust?" the fallen angel tilted his head in confusion. "Oh the we can't enter religious houses rule they mention in these myths of yours. Ah you see there's a twist they don't mention. I can enter if an angel invites me in. So thank you for that. Really helped me out there a lot. I've wanted to come back here for a while now. And we aren't a myth sadly. Very much real. He just hid it from you. There are some things he does not want his precious pure angels to know about." The fallen angel paged through a Bible that was laying around as he talked, seemingly uninterested. 

"He? Are you talking about God?"

"Yes. One of the terms of the curse. I can't utter His name."

"Curse? What curse? What do you want from me?" Joshua's wings shuddered as they curled themselves around his slender body, as a way of protecting him. The stranger glimpsed at him for a second before sitting the open Bible on the pew and walking over to Joshua. 

"Don't worry little pure angel. It'll all make sense later on." The fallen angel stroked Joshua's feathers and his wings recoiled from the fallen angels touch. The fallen angel smiled. "All you need to know now is that my name is Jeonghan and I'm going to turn your world upside down. Why I hear you ask? Because the purest hearts are always the most fun to turn. So I'll see you tomorrow. One invite in and you gave me access to this Church forever." He turned to walk away but then abruptly turned back around. Jeonghan leaned in, close enough for Joshua to feel his lips on his ear. "Think about me all night long...Joshua." Jeonghan smirked one more time before finally leaving the Church. 

Joshua,stunned, sat down on the pew next to where the Bible lay. How did Jeonghan know his name? And what did he have planned for him? Anxious, Joshua's eyes landed on the Bible that lay open there. He picked it up carefully and read the page it was left open on.

'And the angels who did not stay within their own position of authority, but left their proper dwelling, he has kept in eternal chains under gloomy darkness' Jude 1:6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be a few grammatical errors since I'm not perfect but either way it should for the most part be okay. I'll try to update for next week but no promises. Comment your opinions on this chapter. I hope it lived up to your expectations.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not exactly an expert of the Bible and the stories within it being a Muslim but I tried to do my best with the research I did. So if there are any small inaccuracies then please excuse me.

Joshua would be lying if he said he didn't stay awake all night thinking about the fallen angel, Jeonghan. And angels didn't lie. He'd also be lying if he said he wasn't even the tiniest bit interested in the real story of fallen angels. He'd also be lying if he said he wasn't mad that God had been hiding the truth from angels. But he'd also be lying if he said he wasn't scared of the reason God had for hiding the truth. No secret is hidden without a reason. But God and angels didn't -shouldn't- have any secrets. That was the nature of their relationship. So how was Joshua going to keep quiet about the fact that fallen angels were real and God had been hiding the truth? Joshua panicked. Either he had to tell the truth to his friends or he had to lie. Either option was equally as bad. Telling the truth meant that Joshua was helping out Jeonghan in turning angels away from God. Lying meant that Joshua's heart would blacken just that little bit which would just be falling straight into Jeonghan's plan of corrupting Joshua. Either way he was aiding Jeonghan. 

Joshua wondered how he had ended up in such an impossible position as he walked towards the Church doors. "Joshua how did you get here? You were literally a normal angel a day ago doing normal angel activities living a normal angel life. What did you do for something like this to happen? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You were just too good." Joshua berated himself while opening the Church doors. Jeonghan was leaning on the doorway, smirking, causing Joshua to jump back a bit.

"Oh my dear Joshua. You are absolutely correct. You were just too good."Jeonghan stepped into the Church, putting his arm around a startled Joshua. "Purity is well sought after these days. Very rare to find purity such as yours and what luck finding you in a Church that bears the mark of a fallen angel. I like to think of it as fate. Funny to think that this moment was written in the Book of Fate even before we were even created. The events all written out but the ending still a blank slate." Jeonghan sighed and looked into the distance. Joshua wasn't sure what he was looking at exactly but he took this chance and tried to wiggle his way out of Jeonghan's grasp but Jeonghan only brought Joshua closer to him so that he had his black wing curled around Joshua. Joshua squirmed, he wasn't used to being this close to someone. "Joshua," Jeonghan paused. "No Shua. Can I call you Shua?" Jeonghan didn't even wait for Joshua to answer before he carried on talking. "So Shua, ready to learn Lucifer's story?" 

"I thought you were going to tell me the real fallen angel story?" 

"I am. Baby steps Shua. Baby steps. You need to understand everything so we start from the beginning. And it all starts with Lucifer. So are you ready?" 

Joshua was speechless. What was he supposed to say? He wasn't ready at all. In fact he was unsure if he even wanted to know any of it. Joshua cast his eyes to the stained glass window. Would knowing drive him to become a fallen angel? Joshua paused for a moment. No. Joshua was stronger than that. He looked back at Jeonghan whose eyes were inspecting his face. 

"I'm ready." Joshua nodded. Jeonghan smiled and an image of the cheshire cat flashed in Joshua's mind. 

"Perfect," Jeonghan rubbed his hands together. He led Joshua to sit in the empty pews, "You'll want to be sitting for this story." Jeonghan took a deep breath and looked into Joshua's feline eyes. Joshua looked back into Jeonghan's intense bright eyes. They calmed him, preparing him for the rollercoaster of a story he was sure he was going to hear.

"Everyone knows the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden right?" Joshua nodded straight away. It was a story Joshua never forgot.

"Well that's where the story begins. Adam and Eve were created. At first Adam and Eve were just like angels in terms of that they had no knowledge of the good and the bad. They were innocent and pure. Instructed to never eat from the tree of knowledge. Now back then Lucifer was a high ranking angel. He was curious about the tree of knowledge for he wanted to understand good and bad. So he ate the fruits the tree bore, what did it matter he wasn't the one forbidden from eating the fruit. And so Lucifer was the first angel to gain knowledge of good and bad. The knowledge of good and bad changed Lucifer. He was no longer the good obedient angel he was expected to be. He neglected his work as a high ranking angel and spent most of his time in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. He was good friends with them but he pitied the fact that they could not know what he knew. They were like clueless lambs living in the Garden of Eden. And so Lucifer convinced them to eat from the forbidden tree." 

"But why would he do that if he wanted to help them? Surely he knew that convincing them to eat from the tree of knowledge would come with terrible consequences?" Joshua was confused, trying to wrap his mind around the idea of Lucifer once being a good guy.

"You've got to understand Lucifer thought he was doing the best for his friends. Lucifer figured that because He was merciful that He would let Adam and Eve off but Lucifer was wrong. Nothing comes without consequences. They were both sentenced to spend their days on Earth. Eve left to struggle with pregnancy and pain during labour, subject to Adam forever. Adam to work the land forever until finally he would one day return to it as he was once made from it. Punishment for Lucifer was to watch his friends struggle. He wasn't allowed to visit them or aid them in anyway. He watched them die from Heaven. This hardened Lucifer, changed him even more. He became bitter towards the way things were." 

"Why would God be so cruel? Lucifer only wanted to help his friends. The knowledge of good and bad can't have been that bad." Joshua whispered to himself, mortified. Jeonghan smiled sadly, pitiying Joshua.

"We've only just scratched the surface. So skip forward in time. Things have changed. For one the number of angels has grown, from just the few angels at the very beginning to more than anyone can care to count. The nature of angels have changed, all angels now had the knowledge of good and bad in them so that there were no repeats of the Garden of Eden. Lucifer was finally allowed to walk on Earth again so naturally that is where he spent most of his time. He used to sit in the exact spot that Adam and Eve were buried, still mourning the loss of his friends." Jeonghan glanced at Joshua, sadness painted across his face. "I don't think Lucifer ever got over the loss of those two but his sadness was lifted by a particular human." Joshua perked up a bit. "She met him under the glittering stars one night when Lucifer was at his lowest. She helped him, cared for him and eventually came to love him. Lucifer knew from the moment she had helped him under the starry night sky that he loved her so when she reciprocated the feelings he was ecstatic. He wanted to spend the rest of his immortal life with her and she wanted to spend the rest of her limited life with him. She knew he was an angel and would out live her but she didn't mind as long as she was with him. Their love was pure and for the first time in forever Lucifer was happy. They wanted to get married so of course Lucifer went to Him first. He needed permission to leave Heaven and live on Earth. But when Lucifer told Him, He wasn't happy. He told Lucifer that angels could not love in the way Lucifer was suggesting and that there was no way he could accept Lucifer leaving Heaven to live on Earth. He wasn't going to allow everything he built to fall apart, again, all because an angel thought he was in love with a human. The very same angel who had ruined things the first time around. So Lucifer was again confined to Heaven, having to watch as his love waited for him. Even to her deathbed where it's said his name was the last that she uttered. That was the final straw for Lucifer. It drove him over the edge till he finally fell from Heaven forever." 

Joshua had tears streaming down his face and was choking back sobs. Jeonghan moved forward, arms outstretched wanting to pull Joshua into a hug, to comfort him. But Joshua pushed him away, turning away from Jeonghan.

"Why?" Joshua finally managed to spit out between sobs. Jeonghan tilted his head in confusion.

"What?"

"Why would you tell me that?" he spoke harshly. Joshua had turned to face Jeonghan again. Tears stained his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy, eyelashes wet. He looked so innocent and so pure, just like Adam and Eve Jeonghan thought. Jeonghan wanted to reach out and wipe his tears away. He almost felt bad for telling Joshua the story.

"I- Well I told you because you kept looking at me like I was some sort of monster. Like I was the reason there is bad in the world. Like I-" Jeonghan opened his mouth to say more but instead just sighed and got up. "You're a pure angel. You wouldn't understand so just forget it. Have a good day Shua!" Jeonghan quickly smiled a smile that didn't reach his eyes to hide his sad expression before he turned to leave. Joshua watched his back as he walked away. Jeonghan's wings were drooping a bit, almost dragging on the floor. Where had the Jeonghan he met yesterday gone? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really happy with this chapter. It isn't as well written but either way I hope you enjoyed learning more of the back story and also seeing Jeonghan acting differently than he usually does. What could be the reason?


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter in a rush because I realised I had not updated as I usually do on Monday's. So there may be a few mistakes here and there but overall this a chapter that may or may not help you understand Jeonghan's behaviour in the last chapter. Remember this has only been Joshua centric so far.

Joshua could not focus for the rest of the day. All his thoughts wandered right back to Jeonghan wondering why Jeonghan was acting so differently. Joshua shook his head as he nearly dropped the vase of dead flowers he was trying to replace. He really could not focus on his duties at the Church. Throwing the dead flowers into the bin, Joshua realised he didn't have any fresh flowers to replace them with. Taking the vase with him, Joshua strolled out the Church doors and into the vast Church grounds. The grounds of the Church was split in half. Half of it was a graveyard and the other half was split again to house a garden and a playground for Sunday School. Joshua walked towards the garden where a variety of wild flowers grew. The sun was radiant and pleasant on Joshua's wings, a startling change from last night when the rain was threatening to break through the windows.

Honeysuckle, Hyacinths, Lilacs, Roses, Gardenias and Mugunghwa were only some of the flowers the garden housed. Honeysuckle was closely linked to messenger angels and so naturally they grew in the Church grounds where messenger angels frequently visited. Hyacinths, Lilacs, Gardenias linked to guardian angels who are there for humans during times of worry, who are there to help humans discover their true selves, who are there to bring joy into life and who are there to protect humans. Roses linked to love angels who specifically help in areas of love - their job to make sure every human meets their soulmate but also to aid in areas of love that aren't romantic as well. Mugunghwa symbolises immortality - closely linked to the immortality of the Church. All the flowers growing in the garden were closely related to angels and were grown there on purpose as a tribute to angels. Joshua smiled as he finished arranging the flowers in the vase. He left the garden to place the vase back in its place in the Church, his mind still had not stopped thinking of Jeonghan and it was driving him crazy. Needing to clear his mind, Joshua decided that taking a walk in the graveyard would help take his mind off of Jeonghan. 

Joshua barely visited the graveyard. He only ever visited when necessary because Joshua was sent to Earth to help the living so the graveyard where the dead resided was never a place Joshua was really present. At first glance the graveyard was daunting with the tombstones but looking past the tombstones the graveyard was almost like a park. Green lucious trees littered the graveyard underneath all of them were benches. As Joshua wandered between the tombstones he read the names of the people who had passed. Joshua was grateful he wasn't an angel of death - he wouldn't be able to handle it at all. Most of the graves harboured flowers - one grave held a bouquet of gladiolus', signifying strength of character, faithfulness, honour and rememberence. Joshua stopped at every grave that didn't contain any flowers. They were always the graves that looked the oldest, like artifacts that had somehow ended up in the Church grounds by mistake. Some of the dates on the graves dated back to even before WWII and Joshua understood why they never had any flowers - there was no one alive that cared anymore. Joshua's heart ached at the thought of some of the graves being left to just rot away but he knew that the souls of the people were in a much better place. 

It wasn't unusual for people to visit graves but it was foreign to Joshua who had never experienced anything after the funerals and Joshua noticed that the graveyard was devoid of all people besides a single girl. It was a young girl, definitely younger than him in human years. She was sitting with her legs crossed, talking to seemingly no one. Joshua wondered what she was talking about and to whom she was talking to so he sat on the bench closest to the grave. 

"It isn't the same without you, Jihun. I know it's been a few years now but I'm still not over your death. I know it's stupid to talk to your grave when I know you probably can't hear me but this helps. Somedays it feels like you're actually listening," she paused, sighing. "It's hard without you, Jihun. I know you wouldn't want me to feel this way but I can't help it. And what does it matter? You're dead and I'm alive." Another pause as she stopped to wipe away tears that streaked down her face. She checked the time on her phone and sofly gasped. "We'll be together again ,someday, Jihun and we can finally do the things we talked about. I've got to go home now but I'll be back tomorrow. I promise." With that promise she got up, left a single rose on the tombstone and walked off. Joshua had felt the pain she had felt as she talked. Jihun was someone who had meant a lot to her. Curious, Joshua walked to the grave to read the tombstone. 

Park Jihun

1 Jan 1997 - 31 July 2014

Beloved son and loving boyfriend

To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another - Leibnitz

Now the single rose made sense. Love. That girl must have been his girlfriend. Feeling her pain at the loss of her love, Joshua now understood Lucifer's pain of losing the people he loved. If Joshua had to choose a flower to give to Lucifer he would have chosen the Adonis flower. The story behind the name of the flower was even fitting. Aphrodite kept Adonis as her companion and the other greek gods killed him, Aphrodite then wept over his grave and her tears created the Adonis flower. They symbolised the death of a loved one. 

Jeonghan was wrong. Even as a pure angel Joshua now understood the reason Jeonghan had told him Lucifer's story. It wasn't to paint Lucifer as the good guy. Or even to show God as being the bad guy. Even if those were pretty evident in the story. The reason Jeonghan had told the story is because he wanted Joshua to understand the reason behind why Lucifer fell. Love. Love was the reason Lucifer had fallen. Or rather loss of love is why Lucifer had fallen. Joshua realised that the reason Jeonghan had said those things about Joshua not understanding is because Joshua had never felt what it was like to lose someone you love. 

But Jeonghan had. 

That was the point. Jeonghan had been trying to tell him that he had had a valid reason behind falling and that he indeed was not a bad angel but rather a broken angel. Joshua felt proud of himself for understanding the story of Lucifer. He finally had a better understanding of what fallen angels were like. And while Joshua walked back to the Church, he realised that even with the walk through the graveyard he had not stopped thinking about Jeonghan the whole way through.


	5. Chapter 4

The next morning as Joshua carried out his daily duties something was different, almost off, but he couldn't place what it was. He scanned the Church. Had all the furniture moved? No, it was all in the exact same place. Had the Church somehow become cleaner? No, specs of dust could be seen floating around as they passed through the rays of the sun? Maybe the stained glass window had suddenly changed over night? But no, it was the same, eerily staring Joshua in the face. Almost taunting him. No matter how hard Joshua searched for the thing that was off he couldn't find it. It wasn't until night had fallen and Joshua was closing the Church doors did he realise what seemed off. Jeonghan hadn't shown up today. That was odd. From the very first day they had met Jeonghan hadn't failed to make an appearance every day in an attempt to sway Joshua from the path of...good? Could Joshua even say that anymore? He couldn't tell the difference between what was bad and what was good anymore. Joshua wondered where Jeonghan could be. He had questions that he knew only Jeonghan could answer. Plus Joshua would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about Jeonghan. And angels didn't lie. 

Joshua tried to shake it off. Maybe Jeonghan had other things to do. Yes that must be it. Jeonghan had a life outside of Joshua's church. But of course that didn't stop Joshua's mind from wondering. He couldn't sleep because of it. What if something bad had happened to Jeonghan? No it couldn't be, Jeonghan could look after himself. But it wouldn't hurt to check right? Joshua got out of bed and put on his shoes. He was about to do something he wouldn't have ever dared to do if he didn't have a valid reason to do so. And yes this was a very valid reason. Joshua was about to leave the church to search for Jeonghan. He was hesitant. He had made it to the giant gate but his feet were hesitant to cross the line and get out of the church grounds. Leaving the church grounds was strictly restricted for only emergencies. However this was an emergency in Joshua's eyes. He wnated to know the full story about fallen angels and he wouldn't be able to do that if Jeonghan was gone. At least thats what he told himself. 

With a confident stride Joshua finally left the church grounds. Walking along the streets he quickly lost that confidence, he realised that everything was foreign to him. He knew everything there was to know about human behaviour and human life but what he didn't know was the area the church was situated in, a result of having never left the church grounds. Soon he found himself lost. Very very lost. Each street looked the same in the dark and the street lights did nothing to help illuminate the dark alleyways Joshua had found himself in. Stumbling, like a lost puppy in the dark (quite literally), Joshua managed to find himself at a dead end. He had given up searching for Jeonghan, what was the point when he was lost and vulnerable himself? Sighing, he sat down on the hard floor. Letting his wings cover his body Joshua cocooned himself. Maybe he could wait it out in the dark alleyway until morning, where he could ask directions to get back to the church. Oh how he was wrong. 

"Well well well, look what the cat dragged in?" A menacing voice called out from the darkness, there was a slight accent to the voice. Footsteps quietly apporached Joshua. 

"What am I supposed to answer to that? I mean I can't see a single thing in the dark you know?" a bewildered second voice said, a lot less menacing than the first. A long sigh was then heard.

"Seriously Mingyu we've talked about this. Just go with the flow. Now you've messed up my scary opening. What a waste of a perfectly good line. You idiot." the first voice spoke fast and this time Joshua definitely heard a clear accent. Someone, most likely the second person, scoffed. 

"Well I'm sorry Lord Minghao the great but how the fuck do you expect me to say anything about what the cat dragged in when I can't actually see what the cat dragged in?" The two of them began to argue and totally forgot Joshua was even there. Joshua couldn't help but laugh a bit because the two unknown men were a comical pair. They reminded him of Soonyoung and Jihoon who always argued over Jihoon being cute. The pair obviously heard his soft laugh and stopped bickering. 

"Is he laughing at us?" the first voice, Minghao, spoke. There was silence and then a sigh. 

"Mingyu did you just nod as an answer to my question?" Silence. "For the love of all things good please tell me you didn't nod again because Mingyu I can't fucking see you. Why are you nodding to my questions when you know we can't see each other?" 

"Hey it's not my fault. It's a reflex." Mingyu defensively replied. 

"Just forget it and turn on your torch." There was the sound of someone searching through their pockets before finally a blinding light was shone at Joshua. Reflexively his wings curled tighter around him to protect him from whoever it was who had found him but he realised that that was pointless if the people that had found him were human. Humans couldn't see his wings.

"Oh it's an angel." Mingyu's voice carried a little shock and Joshua peeked at them from behind the protection of his wings. He couldn't see clearly because of the dark but they had wings that seemed to become one with the darkness of the night. Fallen angels. Joshua should've been afraid, especially since he knew that fallen angels liked messing with pure angels but all he could think about was the fact that they were fallen angels and would most likely know Jeonghan. His wings carefully unfurled themselved from around his body and he got up, dusting the dirt off of his clothes. It would have been an understatement to say the fallen angels looked surprised. Their faces were the epitomy of shocked. Joshua cleared his throat and looked at the two fallen angels. 

"Do you two know Jeonghan?" his voice had meant to come out loud and commanding but Joshua was quiet and gentle by nature so his words were soft spoken. The two fallen angels had managed to snap out of their shock and were looking at Joshua with a weird interest. When they heard Jeonghan's name they looked at each other and smiled. 

"Of course we know Jeonghan," said Minghao as he walked over to Joshua and laced their arms together in an overly friendly way. "Us fallen angels have to stick together."

"Yeah we can take you to him. Where we live isn't far from here actually," Mingyu copied Minghao's actions, both of them were smiling at Joshua a little too much. "I'm Mingyu and that cretin is Minghao." Mingyu insulted Minghao but smiled sweetly at him while doing it. Minghao returned the smile but his grip on Joshua's arm seemed to get tighter. Joshua wondered whether it was safe to trust these two but they didn't seem harmful. They talked a lot, or rather argued a lot, as they walked which Joshua found amusing. Mingyu was a love angel and Minghao an angel of death as they told Joshua. Complete opposites which explained the arguing but it didn't explain how they got along so well when they weren't arguing. They were best friends Mingyu said but Minghao strongly denied it, even going so far as to shake his head nonstop until Mingyu finally stopped talking about them. But Joshua suspected Minghao did regard the two as best friends from the way they acted together. It was rather fun talking to them even though they both had him in a death like grip. 

After some more bickering and having to stop a few times because Minghao wanted to hit Mingyu and Joshua had to intervene, they finally made it to where they said Jeonghan and some other fallen angels lived. It was an apartment. Which didn't surprise Joshua but perplexed him a bit. For some reason he had expected them to live in a much darker place like an abandoned factory - which was a thought that became more and more stupid the more he thought about it. Minghao knocked on the door and a voice with an accent similar to Minghao's called out, "Password."

Mingyu smiled confidently and said, "I got this! The password is peanut butter." There was the sound of the buzzer that indicated you were wrong and Mingyu's smile dropped. "What? No that was the password you set this morning." There was the sound of the buzzer again. Mingyu kicked the door. The sound of the buzzer again. Mingyu went in for another kick but Minghao stopped him. Suddenly he started speaking chinese to the guy at the other side of the door and Joshua wasn't sure what they said to each other but the door was opened. Mingyu looked at Minghao in shock. "How did you do that?" Minghao smirked. 

"For me to know and for you to learn chinese." Mingyu scowled at the answer. 

"Do you see how he treats me Joshua hyung?" Mingyu whined and gave Joshua puppy eyes. Mingyu looked totally harmless for a fallen angel. He couldn't possibly imagine anything driving him to become a fallen angel. He didn't want to imagine anything driving him to become a fallen angel because Mingyu was just an overgrown puppy. What could possibly have hurt him to make him turn? Suddenly Joshua was pulled out of his thoughts by a familiar voice. 

"Joshua?" 

Joshua looked up in suprise. 

"Jeonghan?" Joshua couldn't contain the relief in his voice when he saw Jeonghan perfectly fine, dressed in cute pokemon pyjamas. Joshua rushed up to Jeonghan and tocuhed his arm. "You're okay?" Jeonghan gave him a confused look.

"Yeah? Why would I be anything but okay?" Jeonghan looked at Joshua. His eyes bore straight into Joshua's brain and he smirked when he realised the situation. "Awwh. Was my little Shua worried about me?" Joshua blushed at the silly yet adorable nickname Jeonghan had given him and at the fact that he had been caught out. He panicked. 

"W-what? No. I just wanted to hear some more of the fallen angel story." Jeonghan smiled teasingly and Joshua blushed even harder. Joshua had lied. And angels didn't lie. But fallen angels did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy. It is I. Finally updating cause I have time. I have time yet here I am at 2am writing it. Oh well this is when I have the best ideas so I don't mind. I'm sorry I don't include so many Jihan parts. I don't know why I don't include them more. I guess I just like to tease. Please comment your thoughts and stuff because I really like reading your opinions and thoughts on my fic. It gives me confidence to write more and be a better writer. Love you all


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Also sorry it's so short.

"You want to hear more of the fallen angel story? Wow I'm hurt. I genuinely thought you were here for me." Jeonghan feigned sadness and Mingyu laughed. 

"Oh come on Hyung. Stop being so dramatic." Mingyu pushed him playfully before he took off his shoes and walked further into the apartment. Jeonghan laughed a little at his own performance before his attention went back to Joshua.

"Sorry to disappoint my favourite angel but I'm off hours right now. As you can see." He gestured to his pyjamas. Joshua was flustered and slightly embarrassed. He spoke quickly. 

"Oh...well then I'll just leave." Joshua turned to leave but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. 

"Are you mad? You're a healing angel and you know absoluetly nothing about directions...or anything out of the confines of your church. If I let you go now you'd just get lost again. I'm a fallen angel not cold hearted. You can stay here for the night." Jeonghan took Joshua's hand and led him into the apartment. It was safe to say Joshua was disorientated. He hadn't expected this. He quickly shook his head and tried to prepare himself for anything that could happen next. Jeonghan led Joshua past a messy kitchen and into a relatively big living room. An L shaped sofa fitted perfectly into one corner of the room. On it sat 5 fallen angels, all of them turned to look at Joshua and Jeonghan as soon as they walked in. One of the fallen angels stood up.

"Jeonghan who's this?" There was something intimidating about the way he spoke and stood, as if he wanted to be above you.

Jeonghan seemed unaffected by him and just spoke flatly, "This is Joshua. A very harmless healing angel that runs the old Church. Joshua this is Seungcheol, an ex-arch angel." The arch angel did not look impressed at Jeonghan and scowled. 

"Jeonghan, what did we say about angels?" he asked through gritted teeth. Jeonghan sighed. 

"I know you said we have to avoid them but-" 

"But nothing. You know what could happen if this 'harmless' angel decides to send a message to heaven." That statement seemed to incite fear among the fallen angels. Joshua wondered what that statement even meant.

"What?" Joshua let his curiousity get the better of him and he ended up asking the question. All 5 angels turned their heads to stare at him and he paused, questioning whether to finish the question. "What," Joshua gulped. "er...could happen?" Joshua didn't know what gave him the confidence to ask. Maybe it was the small brush of Jeonghans fingers against his or maybe it was just the burning curiousity he had developed since meeting Jeonghan. Seungcheol laughed, a cruel bitter laugh. It was almost mocking. Joshua's confidence slowly fell apart. 

"The angel doesn't know. Not shocked at all. You are all so blissfully ignorant." Joshua frowned and looked down.

"Seungcheol no. Don't. We're taking baby steps. Don't tell him. It'll break him." Jeonghan intervened, wanting to protect Joshua from the knowledge.

"No, he wants to know. So I'm going to. You really want to know, right?" he didn't even wait for Joshua's answer. Were all fallen angels like that Joshua wondered. "Word gets to heaven about the location of the fallen on Earth. You'd think that would be harmless. Living on Earth is our punishment,afterall, but that's not punishment enough anymore. Word gets to angels in heaven and they come search for us and we get our wings taken from us!" Joshua frowned, visibly upset by the fallen angels words. 

"No," Joshua whispered, shaking his head. "No. Why? There's no reason to get your wings stripped. It doesn't make sense. He knows where you are now why doesn't He just do it himself?" No one answered, letting Joshua come to the answer himself. "He doesn't want to be involved. He doesn't want to ruin His image. He lets angels do His dirty work behind the scenes. This can't be happening. No, no, no, no," Joshua fell to the floor as he spoke, constantly repeating no. Jeonghan sat next to him on the floor, arm around Joshua's shoulder supporting him. This time Joshua didn't push him away. Jeonghan looked at Seungcheol accusingly. 

"I told you. I warned you not to tell him. It was too early for that knowledge." Jeonghan shouted at Seungcheol, who stared at Joshua his face painted a mixture of pity and guilt. The rest of the fallen angels in the room looked at Joshua with sympathy. 

"I didn't think he'd react like that." Seungcheol spoke guilt in his voice. Jeonghan glared at him. 

"No, you didn't think at all. He may be a pure angel but he still has feelings and he's still very innocent." Jeonghan looked at Joshua worried. He was silent now, staring blankly at the floor. 

"Hyung, is he okay?" Mingyu asked, worried. Jeonghan stroke Joshua's wings and Joshua leaned into the touch.

Jeonghan's eyes never left Joshua as he spoke, "No, everything he believed in just came crashing down before him." Jeonghan took Joshua by the shoulders and helped him stand. "I'm taking him to my room," was all Jeonghan said before walking off. The fallen angels stared at the way Joshua leaned on Jeonghan as they walked away. Seungcheol sighed. Mingyu looked at them with his head tilted. 

"I haven't seen Jeonghan hyung worry about someone like that since...well since before he fell."


	7. Chapter 6

"You knew Jeonghan before he fell?" Hansol asked, surprised an angel like Mingyu knew Jeonghan from before he fell. Mingyu nodded. 

"I know it's surprising. You're probably thinking, how did an angel like me get to know Jeonghan? It seems impossible. But I knew him - so did Seungcheol. Back then Jeonghan was very different to how he is now." As he spoke a grim look painted his face, mirroring Seungcheol's face. 

"I know it's probably not my position to ask but how did he fall?" At the question Seungcheol's frown deepened. He sighed. 

"It was years and years ago. Too many to even count..."

****

"Mingyu, could you please visit Wonwoo to consult the Book of Fate?" Seungcheol ordered. Sometimes being an arch angel was taxing, especially when you had to look after other angels. 

"Why do I have to consult the Book of Fate?" Seungcheol sighed for the millionth time that day. 

"Because contrary to your beliefs Mingyu, you can't go around patching up the humans you want. We, as angels, have a duty to follow the rules set down by God and one of those rules is that a love angel, such as yourself, should only follow the relationships already preordained. Now go." Seungcheol just had to look Mingyu in the eyes and that was it. Mingyu walked off compliant, albeit sulkingly, and Seungcheol continued to flick through the reports a guardian angel had handed him. Could his duties be anymore mundane? For a role so high up in heaven, Seungcheol thought he wouldn't have had to deal with the angels below him. He tossed the report he was reading on a similar pile near his feet before sighing. These boring humans with their boring lives. Seungcheol didn't see why Mingyu was so infatuated with them.

"Disregarding you're work again?" A soft voice interuppted Seungcheol's thoughts. Seungcheol looked up to see Jeonghan smiling at him. "You do know our job is to help humans right? Weren't you just scolding Mingyu for not doing his duties yet here you are disregarding your own work," he teased. 

"Ha! What help? The last time I looked over the prayer reports, there were more prayers than I care to count asking to win the lottery. I stopped reading and disregarded the whole report." 

"Tsk tsk. What if there were any genuine prayers among those? You totally disregarded them. As an arch angel it's your duty." Jeonghan chastised him, using the same words Seungcheol had used on Mingyu. Seungcheol clicked his tongue in annoyance. 

"Aren't you supposed to be with Daejung?" he looked Jeonghan in the eyes. 

"Yes I am. But he said he'd be a little late since he had to get something." Seungcheol was still staring into his eyes. "Don't think your arch angel powers will work on me, Seungcheol. You won't be able to get rid of me just by staring into my eyes like you did with Mingyu." Seungcheol looked away. "Don't abuse the power you have. Now you should probably get back to reading those reports on the humans that you're angels look over. They don't do that for nothing. I've got to meet Daejung. I wonder what was so important that he dragged me away from work. Good luck!" Seungcheol watched as Jeonghan walked away. Even if Jeonghan was always on his case about work, he knew it was just because he cared. Jeonghan had always been the purest angel he had known and the most caring. It was what made everyone love him so much. That was the last conversation Seungcheol had with him in a long time. He never suspected he'd never see him again. No one expected he'd do what he did. He was the purest. The most caring. The most loyal to God. 

****

"Later that day there was an incident. An angel had been brutally murdered. Seolhyun. She was close to Daejung. Daejung told us that he had been with Jeonghan when they encountered Seolhyun. She apparently said that she was on her way to see the human she was guarding. There were rumours that she had gotten too close to her human. But they were just rumours, nothing of substance. They had been talking when it happened. There are only a few ways to kill an angel. Most more humane than others, as we know, but that day she had been killed in the most brutal way. Her heart had been ripped out." The fallen angels gasped. They had all killed an angel to get to where they are. They weren't new to the idea of murder but their fall story was more of a revenge story than an outright murder. 

"The angel, Daejung, told us it had been Jeonghan. He had apparently crossed the line and murdered her. No one could believe it but the proof was in front of our eyes. That day only a few angels were ever allowed to know. The truth was kept hidden from the rest of heaven." Mingyu spoke in a sombre tone, so much unlike his usual personality. 

"Why did you two fall then? And why are you still with him after knowing that story?" Minghao asked the question on everyone's mind. Seungcheol and Mingyu looked at each other. 

"Let's say that after that day we learnt things about heaven that would make humans wish they didn't pray because they wouldn't want the people up there to answer. Besides we all did it to get here - did we not? Maybe it wasn't as brutal but we all did it. And we're all ashamed of it and changed people now." Seungcheol spoke. As much as they never wanted to address that part of their lives it was there and a big part of their lives. 

"Besides something more than the story we know happened that day to make Jeonghan the person he is today. Something much darker."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part was sort of aided by my best friend. So thank you to her. Without her many of the details in my story would not exist. Also Seventeen's comeback killed me and inspired me to write another chapter. So now you know part of the story. Stress on the fact that its only a part. There's something much bigger. 


	8. Chapter 7

Jeonghan led Joshua down the hall and into his room. He laid Joshua on his bed, Joshua's stunning wings taking up majority of the bed. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep on his bed as well.

"Well I guess Seungcheol isn't sleeping in his bed tonight. He doesn't deserve it anyway," Jeonghan whispered to himself. Jeonghan sat himself down on Seungcheol's bed and stared at Joshua. He had moved his wings so that they cocooned him. Jeonghan sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. It was never supposed to be like this. Here he was protecting the very angel he was supposed to be deceiving. What was he supposed to do? His plans were cut short by Seungcheol. Perfect. Now what was he supposed to do? The plan he had before wasn't easy to come up with. What had Seungcheol been think-

"Jeonghan, what happens to an angel with no wings?" Joshua's voice interuppted his thoughts. Jeonghan lifted his head to look at Joshua but Joshua still had his wings cocooned around his body. Jeonghan hesitated to answer but what the hell? The cat was out of the metaphorical bag already. Might as well take advantage of the situation as best you can. 

"Well, they essentially become human. Your wings are the source of your power. Not entirely. Because after all you have angel blood in your veins. But you'll lose everything that makes you an angel. The ability to fly. The ability to use your powers. You'd be human. Stronger than an average human but human nonetheless." 

"That doesn't sound so bad," his voice was hopeful. He was trying to make the situation seem better than it was.

"No, you don't understand. Joshua, your wings are a physical part of you. Your powers are a physical and mental part of you. They don't just take your wings. They rip them out of your body. It literally tears you apart." Jeonghan tried to stare at Joshua, trying to gauge his reaction, but Joshua stayed cocooned. "You'd be a shell of your old self. Trust me. I've seen it. It's horrible." Jeonghan whispered the last part, hoping Joshua hadn't heard it. If he had he didn't say anything. Maybe it was too much for Joshua to process. Jeonghan lay on the bed, trying to fall into slumber. He couldn't stop his mind from wandering to Joshua and he tried to catch glimpses of him from the corner of his eye as he lay in bed. When sleep finally claimed him Jeonghan dreamed of his time as an angel. 

*****

Jeonghan stared at the hospital bed with a grim look on his face. The body on the bed was hooked up to multiple machines, taking laboured breaths. It was pitiful to watch. The occasional wheeze from the patient on the bed broke the stagnating silence. The worst thing was how young the patient was. Lung cancer seemed to claim a lot of humans. Jeonghan wondered why such pain and suffering existed - was there a need for it? Jeonghan frowned and looked at the clock on the wall of the hospital room. Why hadn't the patient seen him yet? His death was near. Maybe Jeonghan had made a mistake. Was this the right human? 

Jeonghan's doubts were resolved when he heard the patient gasp and not from his inability to breath properly this time. Jeonghan took a step toward the bed, ready to introduce himself but before he could the patient let out a cynical laugh. 

"Well I guess this is the end of the road for me then, huh?" the patient smiled weakly at Jeonghan. Jeonghan gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Don't worry. You still have a few more minutes before a death angel comes to collect your soul." 

"So what are you here for then?" 

"I'm here to end the pain and suffering you feel. As well as cleanse you soul before you die." Jeonghan held out his hand and looked at the patient, "May I?" The patient nodded as Jeonghan flashed him a warm smile. As soon as Jeonghan took his hand a feeling of peace and content spread through his body. It was a strange feeling after being in excruiciating pain with every breath he took. A serene smile spread across his face. Jeonghan winced as he took the pain from the patient and replaced it with happiness. 

"Do you have one last wish before you die?" Jeonghan asked through gritted teeth. Did this human really feel so much pain? 

"Weirdly enough, no. I used to. I used to wish someone would visit me. I never got visitors because no one ever knew I was here, battling with lung cancer. I didn't want to worry the people I loved. I guess you fulfilled my wish by coming here. So I don't have one last wish. I'm content to die now. I was anxious before. Anxious to leave my loved ones but I know they'll live the life they were meant to without me. As it's meant to be." This was what Jeonghan wanted to hear. This guys soul was ready to be taken to heaven. Jeonghan watched as a death angel arrived and took his soul. Till the very end Jeonghan held his hand and took his pain away.

****

Jeonghan woke up, his heart aching. As much as his job in heaven used to drain him, he missed the feeling of helping someone. Jeonghan turned in bed and stared at Joshua. As Joshua had fallen asleep his wings had moved so they weren't cocooning him anymore. Joshua's brow was furrowed and his lips was set in between a grimace and a frown. He was visibly sweating and a whimper left his mouth. He was having a nightmare. His hand hung over the bed and twitched occasionally. Jeonghan stared at it; considering the thought of helping him. Almost out of impulse as Joshua let out another whimper, Jeonghan reached over and held his hand. It took a second before Jeonghan felt sharp pains in his heart and head. It was mild compared to some of the pain he had experienced before but knowing that this was the pain Joshua felt hurt him more than the actual pain itself. Jeonghan felt that familiar feeling of satisfaction as Joshua's face loosened and Joshua was now smiling in his sleep. Jeonghan couldn't fall asleep while he was still taking Joshua's pain so he just settled for watching Joshua sleep.


	9. Chapter 8

Jeonghan watched as the sun cast shadows across the ceiling and bathed him in warm light. He wanted to sit up and bask in the sunlight more but his hand was still attached to Joshua's. Throughout the night Jeonghan had laid in bed and took the pain from him to the point where Jeonghan was now physically and mentally weak. As the night had progressed Joshua's pain had worsened - it weakened Jeonghan. Physical pain was easier to deal with however the emotional turmoil in Joshua caused more pain than anything physical. Jeonghan was surprised he was still hanging on to Joshua's hand - his hand was iron tight on Joshua's. As the sun warmed him up, Jeonghan wondered how long he could stay awake. He was exhausted and his eyes were already drooping. If Joshua didn't wake up soon he would pass out. As if on cue, Joshua stirred in the bed. Automatically, Jeonghan removed his iron like grip. If he wasn't so weak he would've moved his arm further away from Joshua's but no matter how much he wanted to, or how hard he tried, his body would not bend to his will. Trying to get his body to move further drained his mind and frustrated him. His power was only supposed to be used for short intervals of time. Jeonghan had never used it for such a long time and he finally realised that this was why his power was only supposed to be used before a suffering human dies. Jeonghan tried one more time to move his arm. He stared at his arm and focused solely on what it felt like to move it but nothing happened. 

"Aaargh!" Jeonghan was thankful his voice still worked but his annoyed grunt had woken Joshua up properly. Joshua sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. When Jeonghan looked at him doing this he was reminded of how innocent Joshua was. Joshua yawned while looking around the room. For a second he was panicked. Where was he? Then he remembered the events of yesterday and he immediately wished he hadn't woken up. While he was asleep, he had dreamed that he had never met Jeonghan. He dreamed that he was just the healing angel he always was working at his beloved Church with no knowledge of fallen angels or the like. The thought of Jeonghan conjured up the memory of the conversation last night and Joshua looked over to the other bed. Jeonghan was laying there, staring at the ceiling, seemingly aware of the fact that Joshua was awake as he could see Jeonghan peeking at him without turning his head. When Jeonghan saw Joshua staring back at him his eyes returned to the ceiling. That wasn't like Jeonghan. Joshua was expecting a snarky comment from him about his staring but there was none. 

"When did you wake up?" Joshua decided to take the first step and ask Jeonghan the only question he could think of. 

Much to Joshua's surprise, Jeonghan kept his eyes on the ceiling and didn't move at all as he answered, "I was up most of the night."  

"Oh," Joshua couldn't hide the surprise in his voice. "Why?" 

"Just couldn't sleep. You slept like a baby though," Jeonghan spoke as if he knew something Joshua didn't and knowing Jeonghan it wouldn't surprise Joshuaif he actually did know something Joshua didn't. "What were you dreaming of?" Joshua pursed his lips as he tried to recall the multiple dreams he had. Joshua felt guilty to tell Jeonghan of the dream that stuck out to him the most. But why did he have to be? These fallen angels ruined his life. Or did they uncover the veil in front of his eyes?

"I dreamed of my life before fallen angels. Before you. When I was happy," his voice faltered towards the end of the sentence. Joshua looked over at Jeonghan to see his reaction but he was still staring at the ceiling. Jeonghan shook his slightly. 

"No, before that you were having a nightmare. What was the nightmare about?" This time Jeonghan turned his head to look at Joshua, it seemed slightly strained but now Joshua was suddenly hyper aware of Jeonghan's eyes on him. 

"Uh...I don't remember," Joshua lied. Angels weren't supposed to lie. So why did he? Joshua clearly remembers his nightmare before he was suddenly filled with a serene feeling that dragged him out of the nightmare. 

He remembers running. So much running. Every stride caused him pain, his pain was laboured and his hair stuck to his forehead. He remembers hearing voices. Familiar voices - really familiar. Why were they so familiar? They sounded closer. Why was he running again? As he ran he turned to look over his shoulder and stumbled when he noticed his wings were ebony. Where did his ivory wings go? Those voices were getting closer. He tried to speed up the running but it was as if time had slowed. What was going on? Those voices were louder, loud enough for him to recognise, and he gasped. There was no way it was them. It wasn't possible but when he looked over his shoulder there they were, hot on his trail and catching up fast. Time slowing down must have been Wonwoo's doing so that he couldn't get away. But why were they chasing him? As their voices got louder it became clear to him that they were hunting him down, hunting him so they could take his wings. But what had he done to deserve this? Looking over his shoulder at his friends faces he stumbled and fell. His wings took the brunt of the fall and when he tried to get up again his wing stuck out oddly. This messed up his balance and he couldn't stand straight. He fell on his knees and didn't bother getting up, he had given up. Sooner or later they would have caught up with him, it just turned out that it would be sooner rather than later sadly. They surrounded him like vultures circling their prey, malice evident in their eyes. Their eyes that were once filled with love for him. Wonwoo and Soonyoung grabbed either arm and hauled him so he was sitting on his knees with his back straight, his one wing stuck out while the other sat ruffled but perfect on his back. No one said anything as he begged for their mercy. Jihoon and Seokmin stood behind him, their faces stone, as they took a hold on each wing. Seungkwan and Chan, little sweet Chan, stood and watched their faces showing no emotion. He stared at all their faces and it was odd in contrast to how they usually were. He hung his head when he realised his pleas weren't getting through to them. Jihoon spoke but he couldn't focus on them, a small whimper escaping his lips as they tightened their hold on his arms and wings. It was going to happen - they were going to rip his wings from his body and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Fear and sadness filled his body. Suddenly those feeling disappeared replaced with a serene happiness. A light shone on him, blinding his friends, and a warm hand grabbed him tightly. Then he was dragged out of the nightmare.

"Well that's odd. I've never heard of anyone forgetting a nightmare," Jeonghan frowned as he stared at Joshua who was shaking his head out of a daze. 

"It probably wasn't that big of a nightmare," Joshua smiled at him over the lie. Joshua never lied before he met Jeonghan but it seemed to be a regular thing nowadays. He was giving in to Jeonghan's plan and that frightened him. Would he end up being hunted down like in his dream if he gave in anymore? What would happen to him when he found out all of the secrets surrounding heaven? Would he become a target even if he hadn't fallen? There were too many questions and too much speculation. His life was normal - stable - before he met Jeonghan. Maybe it was best if he wasn't so intrigued by the words Jeonghan spoke. Maybe it was best if he wasn't curious about what heaven was really like. Maybe it was best if he wasn't so fascinated by Jeonghan in particular. Joshua made his decision then. 

"I'm leaving to go back to my Church," he spoke as he stood up, shakily. "I've been gone too long. I need to go back to my duties. I'm going to pretend I never heard any of the stuff you told me and I- I think it would be best if you and the rest of the fallen angels stayed away from me." Joshua tried to keep his voice steady and commanding but he couldn't help stutter. He walked to the bedroom door and swung it open, ready to leave but not before he heard Jeonghan's mocking laugh.

"If I ever did what was best for me do you really think I would be here right now?" That was all Jeonghan said before turning onto his side an closing his eyes. Joshua didn't bother thinking about the meaning behind his words before practically running back to his Church. 

As Jeonghan lay in bed, recouperating his strength, all he could think about was what Joshua had said. "I guess it's back to square one then?" He said to himself before sleep finally took over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with another chapter. Even though I felt like my last chapter was a flop. This story is such a mess. It's all over the place and I don't know. Is anything even making sense to you guys? If so I might go back at a later date and improve a lot of it. Either way I hope you understand and can follow my story enough to enjoy reading this. I love you guys. You all literally make me the author I am.


	10. Chapter 9

Joshua was relieved (to say the least) to be back in the confines of his Church. The Church was his home, it was the only place he had really ever known. He'd never known Heaven the way he knew his Church. Home was the only place Joshua should have ever been. 

The day he returned to his Church ,after the little adventure he went on, Joshua couldn't focus on any of the things he was meant to do. Changing the flowers brought about the memory of Jeonghan. Hearing the elderly couple bickering at the end of mass reminded him of Minghao and Mingyu. Even hearing the furious complaint of a neighbour reminded him of Seungcheol. Everywhere he turned something brought up the thought of Jeonghan and the fallen angels (a small interruption from none other than the author because I think that this sounds like a bad band name and I found it hilarious). Sleep that night was fitful to say the least. That same nightmare but this time no one was there to drag him out of it. 

The next day Joshua woke up with bags under his eyes and it was safe to say he looked like a mess. When he was dressed and somewhat presentable he went down to the Church. Monday mornings were quiet so when Joshua came down to see someone sitting in the first pew, he was shocked. The sound of Joshua's shoes against the marble tiles had alerted the person to Joshua's presence. 

"Joshua!" the person exclaimed and Joshua jumped. That voice. That familiar voice. Suddenly he was back in his nightmare, getting hauled to his knees while his wings were being grabbed. He froze.

"Wonwoo," Joshuas whispered, still frozen where he stood at the bottom of the staircase. Joshua shook his head, remembering that this was one of his best friends. He smiled, hesitant, and walked over to Wonwoo. "What brings you to Earth? You never need to come here."

"Just here on some business. I read something," he paused, choosing his words carefully. "worrying in the Book of Fate the other day. Something I need to deal with myself. Something I need to talk to you about actually." He was serious now and Joshua's heart jumped. What was this about? Did he know about the fallen angels? Again the nightmare came to mind. Would it be Jeonghan there instead of him? 

"What's the problem?" Joshua asked, his eyebrows furrowing. 

"Chan," Joshua almost sighed in relief. Almost. The name Chan brought about a whole new set of worries. Chan was just a kid, what could he possibly be doing that's worrying the fate angel himself? 

"What about Chan? I saw him the other day. Kid has finally got a human to watch over. He seemed so happy about it, I think he absolutely adores his human. You should have seen him when he was looking at her the day he sat in on her support group meeting," Joshua smiled as he talked, just a little wistful. That was the last happy memory Joshua could conjure up in his mind. When Joshua looked at Wonwoo, however, he was all but smiles. Instead his face was grim. The smile faded. 

"That's the problem." 

"I don't get it. What do you mean?"Joshua frowned, looking down at the marble floor.

"The problem is that he adores her too much, too much for just a normal guardian angel and human relationship. He's too attached. And because of this attachment he's going to do something very stupid." Joshua tilted his head in confusion. Too attached? Could a guardian angel be too attached to the human they guarded? Joshua certainly knew that there was no such thing as 'too attached', at least in his mind there wasn't.

"There's no such thing as 'too attached' ,Wonwoo, and you know that. That's just how guardian angels are. They're supposed to be like that or they wouldn't be doing their job right." Joshua walked over to the sunday school annex and Wonwoo followed, walking briskly to keep up with Joshua. "Besides what stupid thing could Chan possiby do?"Joshua fumbled with the key to open the office.

"Kill her husband," Wonwoo deadpanned. Joshua dropped his keys as he gasped. There was no way Chan would do that. Joshua cleared his throat, picked up his keys and opened the door. 

"Chan would never do that," Joshua spoke, adamant on his belief in Chan, as he walked through the door and proceeded to sift through the draws of the filing cabinet. Wonwoo stayed in the doorway calling after Joshua.

"Are you sure about that? The Book of Fate doesn't lie, Joshua. Everything in there is already pre-written. Set in stone. Now the book didn't say Chan ends up killing Jiyeons husband but it did say he was thinking about it. We still have a chance to stop this. I've been ordered to re-assign Chan. Help me. Don't let your feelings get in the way Joshua. If we don't stop this then -" Wonwoo abruptly stopped himself from saying anymore but Joshua had caught on. Joshua sifted through the files faster. 

"That will break Chan's heart. He only just got her, you can't take her away from him now. There are other ways to stop Chan from killing her husband. And you know it," the words were bitter in Joshua's mouth. "And don't drag me into this. We're both friends with him Wonwoo, I can't believe you're even going to do this to him."

"I don't want to, Joshua, I really don't want to but orders are orders." With that blunt statement, Wonwoo left.

"You don't have to follow orders especially if they're going to hurt the people you love," Joshua whispered to himself as he pulled the file he had been looking for out of the filing cabinet. He dialled the number written down on the paper, anxiously waiting for an answer. When there was no answer Joshua jumped out of his seat and ran to catch up with Wonwoo before he left. Joshua caught Wonwoo before he stepped out of the Church grounds. Standing at the gate reminded him of his adventure but Joshua shook his head. He had more important things to focus on. 

"I'll help but only if you let me talk to Chan first," Joshua looked at Wonwoo's surprised face and perked up when he saw Wonwoo nod. 

Joshua told Wonwoo that they should wait for the support group in the afternoon to talk to Chan and thankfully he agreed. So they waited. Joshua carried on with his daily duties and Wonwoo sat in the Church, making idle chatter with Joshua. 

( "You find it nice being down here on Earth?" Wonwoo asks, clearly intrigued because to him Earth is the worst place any angel could be. Joshua laughed.

"Of course you wouldn't get it, your job is to read the Book of Fate which is in Heaven so of course Heaven would be the better place for you. My job is to help others and I can't do that up in Heaven so for me this is the best place I could be," Wonwoo thought about what Joshua had said for a second before shaking his head. 

"I will never get the appeal of Earth. If only you could read the Book of Fate then you'd understand." Thinking back on all the things that had been happening to him lately, he really did he wish he could read the Book of Fate because then he would have avoided the fallen angels all together.)

When attendees of the support group started rolling up, Joshua stood at the doorway smiling and directing them to the sunday school annex. Jiyeon was one the last ones to arrive and, unsurprisingly, Chan was following her like a puppy followed its owner. She greeted Joshua briefly before running to get to the support group so they could start. Chan was ready to follow without a second look at Joshua and he would have, if Wonwoo didn't get in his way and stop him. He looked like he was about to protest before he realised who was standing in front of him and he smiled. He greeted Wonwoo enthusiastically and Joshua smiled at how much happier Chan was now that he had Jiyeon, thinking of even telling Chan he had to leave her broke Joshua's heart. Wonwoo and Chan talked a bit and Joshua walked off to the annex to check on the support group, fully knowing Wonwoo would hold to his word about lettimg Joshua talk to him first after catching up with Chan. 

It wasn't long after Joshua had just popped into the room the support group were in and offered refreshments that Chan was tapping on his shoulder and asking him what he needed to talk to him about. Joshua took Chan into the office where he knew they could talk privately. Once there, Joshua didn't beat around the bush.

"You're thinking of killing Jiyeon's husband?" Chan jumped a little at the question and looked at Joshua guiltily. Joshua looked back at him, his gaze gentle but expectant. After a minute, Chan nodded his head hesitantly and Joshua sat himself next to Chan. Joshua looked Chan in the eyes, "Why?" 

"He beats her," his words were a whisper, barely heard by Joshua but Joshua had heard them. Repeating the words in his head, everything became clearer. "He drinks, every night, and he gets mad. He takes it all out on her but it's so twisted. He makes sure he only hits her in places that can't be seen and some days he even makes excuses to hit her. She doesn't even drink anymore, she never relapsed! She just comes to the support group so she can escape him for a bit. This is the time he comes home, on most days." Chan looked at the floor as he spoke, twiddling his thumbs. His voice shook a little and Joshua knew he was on the verge of crying. "The worst thing is, I can't do anything. I'm a guardian angel and I can't even protect her. I have to do something!" He looked at Joshua, pleading with his eyes. There was something behind Chan's eyes that made him realise that even re-assigning him wouldn't stop him from killing Jiyeon's husband. Joshua sighed, already regretting what he was about to do. 

"Chan, I know you want to do something but killing him is not the right way to go about it. If you want to protect her then talk to her about it. Be the shoulder she cries on, support her and encourage her to build up the courage to report the abuse and divorce the guy. Do not kill him. You won't feel any better and you'll lose Jiyeon. Just don't kill him. Be the guardian angel I know you are and support Jiyeon. It sounds like she needs it." It took a second for it to work but before he knew it Chan was nodding, a new look behind his eyes. Joshua felt bad about using his power on Chan but in the end a little coercing was all he needed to get the idea out of his head. He had successfully protected Chan.

"Thanks Hyung. I finally understand how I can help her. You don't mind if I join her now?" Joshua shook his head and walked out of the office with Chan. He hugged Chan before Chan ran off to the support group, a new spring in his step. Wonwoo met Joshua in the hallway, slightly puzzled. 

"What did you do?" Wonwoo asked, worried. "He seemed awfully happy when he left the office for a guardian angel who was just told they have to leave their human." Wonwoo stared into the room where Chan was beaming.

"That's because I didn't tell him that. I found another way to solve the situation. Now when you go back to Heaven, look in the Book of Fate and see that Chan no longer wants to kill Jiyeon's husband," Joshua spoke proudly.

"What?!? You didn't tell him he had to leave Jiyeon? But those were the orders I was given by one of the archangels. They'll want proof I did that. What will I do when they see I didn't do that?" Wonwoo didn't seem angry, he for a second looked somewhat relieved when Joshua had said he didn't tell Chan what he was supposed to but that was soon replaced with panic. Joshua panicked a bit as well before he realised the answer. 

"Just show them the proof in the Book of Fate. Of course not literally because only fate angels can read the Book of Fate but get another fate angel to read that Chan no longer wants to kill Jiyeons husband and have them testify to the archangel on your behalf. They wouldn't have a reason to doubt that." It wasn't a flawless plan but it was the only plan that was plausible so Wonwoo went with it. Wonwoo quickly thanked Joshua and left promptly (saying something about hating Earth as he left)

That night, as Joshua got into bed, he realised just what he had done today. Gone against the orders of an archangel. That night, the nightmare was slightly different to Joshua. That night, he heard the words Jihoon spoke to him. They accused him of insubordination. Their hands felt like fire and Joshua was sure they were burning the feathers of his wings off where they gripped his wings. Joshua screamed, begging them to stop, the pain was unbearable. They all counted in unison before they pulled his wings violently and then suddenly it felt as if his body was being torn in half. Something broke inside of him. His screams barely reached his throat, dying down into sobs before they could leave his mouth. Excruciating pain was all he felt. Spots danced before his eyes as the pain left his other senses dull. He couldn't hear his own wails and sobs as he lay on the ground, blood seeping from where his wings once were. His head hurt, pounding against his skull demanding to be let out. Joshua felt like ripping out his own brain if it meant the pain would end. All he wanted was for the pain to end.

The next morning Joshua woke up to deep scratches along the sides of his face and along his scalp as if he actually had been trying to rip his own brain out.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hopefully this all makes sense because in my head it makes perfect sense but to others it may not. Anyway I thought I was too cliche at one point but whats a good story without a little cliche. Am I right? Anyway I didn't read through it a second time to correct my mistakes cause I'm lazy so I'll do that at a later date. You might not see an update from me tomorrow as I sadly have a bunch of homework but honestly anyone who can drag me away from it by messaging me will literally be my saviour. Enjoy my little pumpkins!

2 days. It took Jeonghan 2 days to get enough strength to get out of bed. Or rather it took Jeonghan 1 day to get his strength back and another day to stop moping about Joshua but he wasn't about to admit that to himself. The rest of the fallen angels didn't say anything when they finally saw Jeonghan emerge from the room, granted he did look a mess. Mingyu, who had been checking in on Jeonghan for the past two days, smiled to himself when Jeonghan walked out. 

Jeonghan decided that he was going to keep visiting Joshua, even if the angel rejected him, he didn't need to talk to him. His presence in the Church, alone, would hopefully shake Joshua. So Jeonghan decided to dress in Church appropriate clothes, making a good impression on Joshua would help his cause. Black dress pants and a white button up shirt that was just one size too big (having borrowed it from Mingyu without his permission). Looking at himself in the mirror, Jeonghan chuckled at the white shirt. It looked odd on him buttoned up to the top. 

"You look...out of character," Jeonghan turned to see Seungcheol standing in the doorway and rolled his eyes. He was still mad at him about the whole situation - if he had kept his mouth shut Jeonghan wouldn't have to start over. 

"And what would you know," it was a statement rather than a question. Nonetheless, Seungcheol took it as an opportunity to step closer to Jeonghan. 

"You forget I was once an arch angel and that I've known you for a very long time. I know a lot more than I let on," Seungcheol brought his hands up to the buttons of the shirt and unbuttoned the first three buttons. "I don't know why this angel is so important and I don't think I will ever get it but you do what you want and I promise I won't get in the way or ruin your plan this time. Just promise me that this angel won't expose us," Seungcheols fingers carefully tied the bow on the shoelace choker he had put around Jeonghan's neck as he spoke. Jeonghan knew that he was being true to his words and nodded. Joshua wouldn't expose him or the other fallen angels because he didn't even want to have anything to do with them in the first place. Seungcheol nodded back, satisfied, before leaving the room. Jeonghan stared at the empty doorway once he had left, wondering whether his new plan was even going to work. 

Thankfully the Church was quiet and free of angels when Jeonghan arrived - he knew the place was a hotspot for messenger angels and the last thing he needed was another angel spotting him. Jeonghan remembered Seungcheols words and contemplated them. Maybe Joshua wouldn't expose them but any other angel certainly would. Visiting the Church so often was a risk but a risk Jeonghan took just for Joshua. 

Jeonghan sat at the very back on the Church, settling himself so that his wings were folded out of sight and his head was down in mock prayer. Then Jeonghan sat there and sat there until the late hours of the night - sooner or later Joshua would have to come up to him and ask him what was wrong. Soon enought that time came around. 

The Church was only lit with the little light the candle produced, bathing everything in a dim orange glow. Jeonghan almost fell asleep with the lighting dim but was interuppted before he could.

"Excuse me, sir, I know this Church is open all the time but no one stays this late usually. Are you okay?" Joshua's soft voice carried nicely across the vast Church. Jeonghan looked up towards the voice and saw Joshua calling from the front of the Church. Jeonghan stood up in one fluid movement and let his wings carry him across the Church to Joshua. The sound of his wings beating against the air, suspending him in the air for longer than necessary. It had been too long since he had used his wings - there was never any need when you were fallen. Joshua stood eyes wide and mouth slightly opened in either shock or dismay. It seemed to be dismay because Joshua promptly turned his back and turned to stare at the stained glass window. 

"What are you doing here? I thought I made myself clear the other day," Joshua harrumphed, back still turned to Jeonghan. Jeonghan smirked to himself, amused. Joshua was cute when he was angry like a dog with no bark or bite. 

"And here I thought you'd be happy to see me," Jeonghan held a hand over his heart, pretending to stumble in mock pain. Unfortunately Joshua didn't catch Jeonghans silly theatrics and Jeonghan frowned. "Why won't you look at me? You couldn't possibly be serious about the words you said the other day. We both know no one can get enough of yoon Jeonghan," Jeonghan frowned again when Joshua continued to look away. 

"I told you to stay away from me. It's whats best for me and you," Joshua was insistent on his words and Jeonghans eyebrows furrowed, his lips set in a thin line. 

"Best for me? And how would you know what's best for me?"

"Don't pretend like you don't know that I could expose you and the other fallen angels," Joshua's voice was barely a whisper as if he didn't want to say the words. He just wanted Jeonghan to leave him alone.

"Oooh is this blackmail?" 

"No, this isn't blackmail. You don't understand. I have a friend who is a fate angel. He could look me up in the Book of Fate and discover you and the other fallen angels. Being associated with me is dangerous. I don't want to be the reason your wings get taken away," Joshua spoke firmly and the confession took Jeonghan by surprise. A friend who was a fate angel - that was a problem but it wasn't a problem Jeonghan wasn't prepared to brave.  

"Doesn't matter. I knew the risks of entering this Church again and I know the risks of being associated with you. You can't get rid of me that easily Shua," Jeonghan wasn't completely honest but he wasn't about to let Joshua get rid of him so easily. Joshua still didn't turn around but he was shaking his head. None of this conversation explained why Joshua kept his back to him. Nothing of this conversation explained anything to Jeonghan. It was all too confusing for Jeonghan. Joshua wanted to protect him and the other fallen angels? Or was this just a front to get Jeonghan to leave him alone? Either way Jeonghan knew he wasn't going to leave Joshua alone until he got what he wanted. Jeonghan definitely knew he wasn't going to leave today unless he knew why Joshua wouldn't face him. 

While Jeonghan had been preoccupied with his thoughts, Joshua took the chance to try and walk away. Joshua almost made it up the stairs before Jeonghan had grabbed his hand turning him around in the process. Joshua looked down, embarrassed; Jeonghan was too close for comfort. A hand forced Joshua to look up, to look Jeonghan right in the eyes but Joshua couldn't keep eye contact and looked away, desperately searching for something to fixate on. Anything but Jeonghans eyes. 

Joshua heard the audible gasp from Jeonghan as his eyes gazed at the scratch marks on the sides of Joshuas face. The scratches never got time to properly heal because every night Joshua scratched the wounds open again. Surprisingly, the excuse that a stray cat Joshua had taken in had scratched up his face was working well with everyone who asked. Maybe it was just because it was a good excuse or maybe people just wanted to remain ignorant to the truth. Either way Joshua was grateful for the ignorance.Unfortunately, Joshua had a feeling Jeonghan wouldn't remain ignorant.

"What happened?" Jeonghan whispered as he reached up to touch the wounds. His finger lightly touched the side of Joshuas face and Joshua flinched, more out of surprise at the touch than pain. 

"A stray cat. You know how some stray cats are," there was some hope in trying out the lie, maybe Jeonghan would be ignorant if he saw Joshua was willing to lie about it. Oh how wrong he was. Jeonghan scowled at the lie and reached out to touch Joshuas face again. 

"I'm not stupid, Shua, I know stray cats don't only scratch up the sides of someones face and they sure as hell don't scratch up a persons scalp as well," Jeonghan moved his fingers from Joshuas face to his scalp where his fingers felt around to feel for the ridges of the scratch marks. Joshua, frustrated, pushed away Jeonghans hand. 

"What does it matter to you? Don't you want me to be ruined? You've never cared for my well being," Joshua scoffed and looked down, missing the look of hurt on Jeonghans face. Jeonghan may have wanted Joshua ruined but he never wanted Joshua hurt. There was a difference in his mind but apparently there wasn't a difference in Joshuas. Jeonghan wasn't going to leave until he knew why Joshuas face was all scratched up. He didn't care if it was going to take all night, he would stay just to prove a point. 

Jeonghan moved a step closer, invading Joshuas personal space even more, and Joshua took a step back. Jeonghan continued to move closer until Joshua was trapped with his back against the wall. Even so Joshua continued to look down but Jeonghan wouldn't allow it. He forced Joshua to look up, holding his chin in place. Joshua tried to look everywhere but Jeonghans eyes but eventually they ended up there. 

"What happened to your face?" Jeonghan asked again, this time more demanding. Joshua opened his mouth to speak but Jeonghan cut him off. "And don't even think of telling me that bullshit story about the cat or even accuse me of not caring. I may be a fallen angel but I still have a heart. Don't ever stereotype me like that ever again." Joshua sighed and closed his eyes when he heard Jeonghans words. Joshua wondered whether telling someone would even help. Joshua didn't want to tell the full story. It was too horrible to relive by telling the story. 

"It was me." Joshuas voice was faint, if Jeonghan wasn't so close to him he wouldn't have heard him say it. Jeonghan nodded moving back so Joshua would be encouraged to tell him more. "I do it to myself while I sleep. I don't mean to be it just happens because of my nightmare." Joshua closes his eyes in pain as he recalls the nightmare. Jeonghan reaches out, out of impulse, and cradles Joshua's cheek. He doesn't know he's doing it until he feels the pain but he didn't take his hand off his cheek. 

Suddenly he retracts his hand, falling to the floor and holding his head in his hands. The pain was beyond anything he'd ever felt and Jeonghan isn't sure how much pain he took away from Joshua but ,he knows, the pain feels like too much to bare. Nonetheless, Jeonghan feels slight happiness as he sees Joshua is no longer in pain however he is instead on the floor panicking over him. 

"What did you do? What did you do?" Joshua keeps repeating as he holds my head in his lap. There's a sharp split of pain as look up at him. 

"Showed you that I'm not as bad as you think I am." 

That was all Jeonghan said before another sharp pain shot through his head and he felt as it his brain was being torn apart, sending Jeonghan into unconsciousness. 


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy I'm finally back. This chapter is shorter than I thought it was going to be and pretty much uninteresting but considering I've been struggling to write lately this is good. I've been plagued with writers block lately but hopefully I've got my mojo back. Comment what you thought of this chapter or if you have tips on how to deal with 20 things at once. Enjoy

Joshua sat on the floor, cradling Jeonghan's head in his lap, wondering what to do. Joshua wasn't sure what had happened. One minute Jeonghan was taking his pain away (just how had he done that?) and the next he was on the floor. Joshua tried to recall the pain but there was none now. There was only a feeling of comfort - of warmth. It reminded him of the feeling of Jeonghan's hand on his cheek and it dawned on Joshua - in order to replace Joshua's pain Jeonghan had to take it. The panic in Joshua rose, he was the reason Jeonghan was on the floor unconscious. 

Staring at Jeonghan's calm face, he was suddenly hyperaware of how useless he was as a healing angel. His voice wouldn't be able to help Jeonghan. Joshua shook his head, tears threatening to fall, now was not the time to berate himself. He needed to get Jeonghan off the floor, up the stairs and into his bed. Joshua guessed that taking someone else's pain would take a lot out of someone, especially if Jeonghan had taken the pain Joshua was feeling. 

Joshua decided that it would be easiest to give Jeonghan's limp body a piggyback up the stairs, it was the only way to move him since his wings were in the way. Giving a limp person a piggyback was not as easy as it sounded. Jeonghan was dead weight and despite his slim frame he was not light, his wings adding more weight to his body. Joshua wondered how Jeonghan carried those things around on his shoulders the whole time. It took Joshua a few minutes to rope Jeonghan's body around his. The first few tries had led to Jeonghan's feet dragging on the floor and head rolling back. The next few tries had seen Joshua trying to somehow wrap Jeonghan's legs around his body while still holding onto his arms. Needless to say, Joshua had let go of Jeonghan's arms while attempting the impossible feat of wrapping Jeonghan's legs around his body and Jeonghan had fallen to the ground with a loud thud. Jeonghan would be waking up with a few bruises. Eventually Joshua had to grab Jeonghan's arm, haul him up and over his shoulder so that Jeonghan's face rested in the crook of Joshua's neck and Joshua had to slightly crouch so that he could bear all the weight evenly. 

The walk up the stairs was cumbersome and when Joshua finally made it to the top of the stairs the extra weight nearly sent he down again. Having Jeonghan on his back was suffocating his wings but he only needed to make it from the stairs to his bedroom - no less than 10 strides. Joshua surprised himself by making it those 10 strides to the bedroom.

There was no graceful way to lay Jeonghan on the bed. Joshua just let his arms go and let his body drop, quite heavily, onto the bed. Joshua then gently moved Jeonghan's body so that he was resting in a comfortable way. He moved Jeonghan's body so that he lay comfortably on his wings, hands by his sides and pillow supporting his head. Joshua moved the black wings so they folded over Jeonghan's body, covering his torso like a blanket. Staring at the way his body lay Joshua was eerily reminded of the human funerals he often witnessed.

Joshua was unsure of what to do next. Jeonghan just looked like he was sleeping and he didn't exhibit any signs of pain or discomfort, at least outwardly. Joshua stared at Jeonghan's face and realised there wasn't much more he could do, staring at him wasn't going to aid in anyway. Looking at the clock, Joshua changed out of his stuffy clothes into something more comfortable and laid in bed. Joshua was careful to keep his wings away from Jeonghan's and he like every other night cocooned himself with them. Staring at the ceiling Joshua fell off to sleep, very aware of the warmth Jeonghan's body radiated.

 

Joshua woke up late the next day, sleeping through his alarm and only waking up when the sound of birds drifted into his room. Upon waking up Joshua realised two things. One, Jeonghan was still sound asleep and showed no signs of waking up even with the sun illuminating his face and two, Joshua had for the first time in a while slept through the whole night with no nightmares. Stretching, Joshua smiled for the first morning in a while and lazily dragged himself out of bed. 

It wasn't until Joshua stared up at the clock while he brushed his teeth did he realise that he had overslept. Joshua immediately rushed to get ready, for a reason unknown to himself. Joshua had no duties to complete in the Church yet he still rushed to get to the Church. Unsurprisingly, when Joshua got down to the Church it was empty but Joshua still found something to busy himself with. He sweeped the clean floors, placed Bibles back in their correct space, checked every room in the annex, counted the money in the Church charity box, cleaned his office... the list was endless. Joshua did every little odd job he could think of. Mostly just so his mind would stop worrying about whether Jeonghan was okay. 

It was doing his head in. Every thing he did to take his mind off of Jeonghan wasn't working, there was always a constant nagging in the back of Joshua's head. The voice in Joshua's head was incessant - asking whether Jeonghan was okay, wondering if he was awake, wondering if he needed Joshua or not. After completing every silly job Joshua could think of he finally decided to check on Jeonghan. Again the voice in his head wondered if maybe it would seem bad that only at the end of the day he was checking in on Joshua. And as Joshua walked up the stairs, he was filled with anxiety. Would Jeonghan be awake? If he was, what would Joshua say to him? A million and one questions ran through his mind when he reached the top of the stairs. 

Joshua stopped at the top of the staircase and ran a hand through his hair, worried. A ball of anxiety sat in the oit of his stomach and he, suddenly, felt really sick. His palms were sweaty as his hand gripped the door handle. Taking a deep breath to steel his nerves before pushing the door open. 


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Treat this chapter as a celebratory chapter because I finally sent off my university application and am now waiting to see if the uni's I picked will accept me. I now have more time to write and I have one less thing to worry about. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Love you ♡

Bursting into the apartment was pretty anti-climatic. Joshua didn't know what he was expecting. Jeonghan was in the bedroom and the door he swung open led him into his living room. The bedroom door was shut as Joshua had left it this morning. Letting out a sigh of relief at the fact that he had a few more minutes to compose himself, Joshua walked up to the bedroom door. Again that same feeling of anxiety settled in the pit of his stomach and his palms became sweaty. Joshua braced himself and before Joshua could let his nerves get the better of him, he opened the door.

Walking in, Joshua was a little shocked. He had forgotten how he left the room. The curtains were drawn (Joshua's attempt to make the room more comfortable for Jeonghan) and the room was dark. For a few seconds, Joshua couldn't discern what was what. Closing the door behind him, Joshua blindly stumbled across the room as his eyes adjusted to the dim room. After bumping into the desk and the dresser and the edge of the bed, Joshua had finally found the bed side table and switched on the lamp. As soon as the light lit up part of the room and basked it in a strange, orange glow Joshua turned his attention to Jeonghan. He was still laying there in the same position Joshua had put him in. His breaths were soft and if it weren't for the slow rise and fall of his chest Joshua wouldn have thought he was dead. 

It scared Joshua slightly that he hadn't moved at all since last night. The scariest part was that Jeonghan had such a serene look on his face, almost like a coma patient or a dead person. Joshua would have felt a little bit better if Jeonghan showed some signs of discomfort or at least a sign that he was going to wake up soon or that he wasn't in a coma. 

Staring at Jeonghan's face, Joshua noticed things he didn't notice before. The slight bump on Jeonghan's nose, so slight that no one would have noticed unless they really stared at his face. Jeonghan also had a very prominant cupids bow that the more you stared at the prettier it became. This led to Joshua staring at his lips which were rose-coloured and looked so soft. His fair skin complimented his blond hair and his pink cheeks and lips constrasted well with his fairness. Jeonghan just had a captivating face as Joshua realised and Joshua couldn't tear his eyes away from Jeonghan's face, it was almost hypnotic. 

"It's rude to stare," Jeonghan's voice was rough and it shocked Joshua who looked away bashfully, heat creeping up his neck, embarrased to have been caught staring.

"How-" Joshua had to stop and clear his throat, his voice cracking. "how are you feeling?" Joshua could feel Jeonghan wanted to let out a chuckle at his voice crack but didn't seem to have the energy to. Thinking more and more about the fact that Jeonghan had caught him staring was enough to deepen the red in his cheeks and leave him unable to look back at Jeonghan.

"I'm fine, I guess. I've had better days," Jeonghan chuckled quietly to himself, every word seemed to drain more energy from him, his voice becoming quieter and quieter.

"Can you move? Does any part of your body hurt? Are you hungry? I can feed you," Joshua couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth and immediately regretted them when he heard Jeonghan give another strained chuckle. 

"I can move but it takes a lot. My body just feels very heavy, almost numb but nothing hurts." He took a deep breath in. "And Joshua I highly doubt you'd be able to feed me considering that you can't even look at me," Jeonghan's voice was now a coarse whisper but they still managed to embarrass Joshua. Upon hearing those words, Joshua shyly looked at Jeonghan and Jeonghan gave him a weak smile. Joshua saw how weak Jeonghan was looking again and worry planted itself back in Joshua's head. 

"You need to rest some more," Joshua insisted, worry evident in his voice. Jeonghan smiled, persistant that he was okay and didn't need anymore rest. Joshua looked at him, incredulous, but no matter how much Joshua insisted Jeonghan was stubborn. It was back and forth for a good five minutes until Joshua finally took things into his own hands.

"Jeonghan, go back to sleep now!" Joshua's voice was firm. Sometimes Joshua wondered how his voice worked. How did he stop himself from using it all the time on everyone and how did he manage to just bring it on when it was needed? Despite having the ability since he was first created, Joshua still did not understand the mechanics behind it all. All Joshua had to do was have the intention to use his voice and when he did it worked. 

It worked like a charm on Jeonghan, although Joshua did feel slightly guilty using his voice. He fell asleep almost instantly and resumed his slow breaths, his chest rising up and down in a calming way. Once again, Joshua could sit back and watch Jeonghan's captivating features. 

***

The last thing Jeonghan wanted to do was fall asleep, even though his body desperately craved it. Whenever Jeonghan closed his eyes he was plagued with a memory he had tried to forget from the day he fell. He still remembered the memory so vividly. It captured his life in heaven so perfectly, captured the essence of his past personality. Where had that Jeonghan gone? 

Somewhere along the line Jeonghan had lost himself.

***

When Jeonghan woke up he could finally move. His body still felt heavier than it usually did but Jeonghan put that down to his lethargy. Standing up was hard, his legs shook more than they should and it took some time to balance his weight. His steps were a little shaky but he managed to make it out of the bedroom and into the living room. However he couldn't make it to the stairs and ended up plopping/falling (depending on how you define the two terms) on to the couch. It took a minute but he gathered the energy to make it to the door and poked his head out of it. No one was in the Church, he couldn't see Joshua either but he assumed it was okay to walk down the stairs.

His steps down the stairs were slow, taking one step at a time, afraid he would topple over his own weight. Jeonghan managed to make it perfectly fine down most of the stairs. Unfortunately on the last few steps the flutter of his wings, a reaction to the cold draft in the Church, put off his balance. His body fell forward, he closed his eyes instinctively and braced himself for the pain. It would be an understatement to say that he wasn't surprised when his body didn't hit the ground. 

Instead, he was in Joshua's arms. Joshua had a slight tinge of pink on his cheeks and he couldn't look Jeonghan in the eyes, feeling slightly suffocated at the closeness. Jeonghan, on the whole, seemed unfazed by the proximity of their faces and more shocked at how Joshua had caught him.

Joshua had just been walking out of his office and making his way back to his apartment when he saw Jeonghan trying to walk down the stairs. It was amusing to see him be so careful but it also slightly concerned Joshua, he could fall. Jeonghan seemed a little off balance to him. Joshua slowly made his way towards him, Jeonghan too focused on his steps to notice. Halfway across to the stairs Joshua noticed the small flutter of Jeonghan's wings and by then Joshua was running towards the stairs, knowing Jeonghan would lose his balance. In retrospect, Joshua didn't actually plan to catch Jeonghan. Joshua didn't really think when he ran towards Jeonghan, for all he knew Jeonghan would just fall on him and Joshua would cushion the fall. Yet Joshua had miraciously caught him, sort of.

Joshua was supporting Jeonghan's body and acting as a barrier between him and the floor. It wasn't much of a catch really. Joshua was a little mad at Jeonghan. Why had he even gotten up if he couldn't walk? Joshua would never understand the stubborness of this fallen angel.

"What are you doing up?" Joshua asked as he steadied Jeonghan on his feet, relieved that they weren't so close anymore. Jeonghan grinned. 

"Just taking a little stroll but as you can see I didn't get very far," Jeonghan quipped. It infuriated Joshua - how could he be so calm about nearly falling down the stairs. 

"Well then I guess you don't need my help anymore. You can leave and never come back," Mad, Joshua moved away from Jeonghan (who was leaning on him for support) and began walking up the stairs. Jeonghan stumbled but caught his balance before he could actually fall. He stared up at Joshua walking up the stairs. 

"Oh, come on! I just barely managed to come down from those now I have to go up again!?!" Jeonghan grumbled, already moving to walk up the stairs. Joshua wasn't going to have it. Joshua thought back on all the previous events with Jeonghan. From the first meeting to now. Joshua had looked after him, returning the favour as Jeonghan had helped him. He had entertained Jeonghan for long enough,giving him more chances to talk and persuade him that he would have liked. Something then dawned on Joshua and he decided he didn't want to be played with anymore. 

"Stop! Don't take another step," Joshua practically shouted, almost livid. Joshua was a gentle soul, he almost never got angry. Surprisingly, Jeonghan didn't take another step. He just stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring up at Joshua seeming to expect something. "I told you to leave. And I mean it. I want my old life back!" 

"Life? What life? Do you mean the lie that you were living before I came along?"Jeonghan huffed. "That wasn't a life, Shua. None of it was. It was a charade and you were just one of the many puppets being used!" Jeonghan was shouting now, struggling to catch his breath afterwards, even though he was still jaded. 

"How can I trust anything you say? Don't try and pretend that you're liberating me from some tyranny when you're just the same. I'm just some puppet in your show. You never wanted me to just know the truth or help me - you want me to become a fallen angel so you can show me off like some sort of trophy!" Joshua finally understood everything. He finally felt as if something was clear for once since he first met Jeonghan. 

"Don't even try to compare me to Him. What I'm doing is nothing compared to what He does. I am nothing like that!" Jeonghan knew his words were baseless because the more Jeonghan thought about it the more he could see the similarities. Joshua didn't even stay to entertain his words and just walked into his apartment, leaving Jeonghan with his thoughts.

 

Jeonghan had to admit that this had started off as a game. He wanted to take Joshua's purity so he could shove it in His face that he did. However, Jeonghan also had to admit that the moment he had taken Joshua's pain something had changed. He wasn't sure what but something inside him had changed. Jeonghan felt the need to prove Joshua wrong and that was exactly what he was going to do. 

Joshua felt hurt. He didn't understand why. Maybe because since Jeonghan had taken his pain, he had developed some trust in him but his sudden realisation that he was just a pawn in some game had broken that trust. Had anything Jeonghan had done mean anything or was it just him trying to win over Joshua? Joshua didn't know but he felt it was better if it was left that way.


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guyyyyys, guess what I've got an amazing rec for you guys. Its a great Jihan hybrid au: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1303469/lifeline-currently-editing-updating-angst-romance-jihan-slowburn-utopianau-hybridjeonghan 
> 
> Please love it and enjoy it. The author is pretty amazing. 
> 
> Also this is another celebratory chapter as I've already been accepted into one university and 2 other unis are looking at my application. Hopefully I'll get into the uni I want to go to.
> 
> Please comment your thoughts and the like.
> 
> Love you <3

A few days had passed since their confrontation. Jeonghan had walked out and never came back while Joshua just resumed his monotone routine. The nightmare had returned for Joshua, even though now he no longer had to worry about any fallen angels. His nightmare had intensified and at this point he had tried everything to not open up his already existing wounds or create new ones. 

Sleep wasn't a priority anymore and Joshua skipped sleeping in favour of watching whatever drama or variety show that was on tv. Of course this meant that Joshua looked like shit most of the time or rather all of the time. He had dark circles, identical to a panda but maybe more ghastly looking than cute. His skin had become paler with the less sleep he got and the bags under his eyes could practically carry grocerys. His body ached all the time, one day it was his back then the next his shoulder. Migranes and bouts of dizziness also frequented but luckily he hadn't fainted - yet. Joshua wasn't sure how much more his body could take.

"Hyung!" Joshua was torn out of his thoughts. He was watering and planting his flowers, hoping to keep a flourishing garden even through autumn and winter, when he had heard his favourite dongsaengs voice. He put down the heavy watering can next to the 3 bags of fertiliser, his palms and fingernails were stained black from the soil, then he turned towards the voice. Chan was strolling towards him, a little spring in his step. He was beaming but Joshua couldn't reciprocate the same genuine smile - there was nothing to smile about. Instead he gave a weak smile that was very much forced. If Joshua was honest with himself he would admit that he was a little scared of Chan and the other angels he called friends. He knew deep down there was no reason to be - they would never hurt him, right? He found himself questioning himself lately, more than he should have been. Since when had he become so unsure? 

Chan's smile vanished when he saw Joshua properly, shock replacing his face. Stood in front of him was just a shell of the Joshua he knew. Joshua had emotionless, dead eyes - where had the sparkle in them gone? Seeing Joshua looking so haggard, his shoulders hunched over and his body so shrunken was painful. The words Chan were going to say disappeared and instead he worriedly called out, "Hyung, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Joshua smiled but the smile never reached his eyes.

"I'm perfectly fine. Just a little tired as I've been quite busy," Joshua held up his hands and wiggled his fingers, an attempt to draw the conversation away from his horrible appearance. "I'm doing some gardening," he tried to sound enthusiastic about it but how enthusiastic can you be about gardening when you're sleep deprived. Chan stared at him through squinted eyes, seemingly suspicious, but he let the topic go. 

"It's nearing the beginning of autumn, hyung. Autumn is the season where most plants die. Why are you planting now?" 

"Well I'm planning to try and keep these plants alive through autumn and winter. I specifically got plants that survive through the harsh seasons," Joshua started pointing at the plants and naming them. "Camellias, Evergreen holly, Snowdrops, a firethrone bush, bergenia and hellebores. I'll have an amazing winter garden."

"That's quite impressive, hyung. I never knew you were so interested in plants," Chan seemed genuinely impressed. Joshua turned back to planting the saplings in the soil, carefully holding them like they were the only thing that mattered. 

"There's a lot you don't know about me," Joshua whispered underneath his breath as he used his trowel to dig up more soil. Then loudly, "So what are you doing here Chan?" Chan perked up at the question as if a lightbulb went off in his head. 

"Ah! I'm here for Jiyeon again. But while I'm here I thought I'd catch up with you," Chan seemed a lot happier and less angry so Joshua assumed his last meeting with Chan had worked and everything had turned out better than expected but he didn't ask - he didn't want to pry. However, Joshua was visibly shocked at the fact that Chan was here for Jiyeon. 

"It's the alcoholics support group? Already? Today? Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, the annex was in a mess when we arrived. We had to sort it out. I hope you don't mind that I went into the store room and grabbed snacks and drinks?" Joshua couldn't believe what he was hearing - he had totally forgotten. What other things had he forgetten in the past few days?

"I don't mind. In fact, I'm thankful you did.I can't believe I forgot about this. I've been such a mess lately," Joshua spoke as he finished planting the last plant. He put his trowel in the open fertiliser bag and dusted his hands on his trousers. Joshua attempted to stand up but his legs were shaky and he couldn't keep his weight on his legs long enough for him to stand up. He fell back onto the hard ground, groaning. That would bruise and Joshua wouldn't be able to sit without feeling pain. Chan rushed to his side.

"Hyung!" Chan helped him up and supported his body as they walked back into the Church. "Are you sure you're okay?" Joshua could hear the worry in his voice and he felt slightly guilty for being scared of him. Although in his defence, Joshua had for multiple nights been hunted down by him and his other friends. 

"I'm fine. Just a little sleep deprived is all," Joshua smiled at Chan again but this time Chan didn't drop the subject. 

"How sleep deprived are you?" 

"Just a few nights. Nothing major," Joshua casually waved his hand as a way of dismissing the topic but Chan was persistant. 

"A few days?!? Hyung, that's not good for your body. Like no offense but have you looked in the mirror recently? You look horrible," Joshua knew Chan was just worried but he wanted him to drop the subject. He was going to be fine. He didn't need sleep - he didn't need that nightmare. 

Chan was still talking but Joshua wasn't listening. Thinking, Joshua couldn't deny that somewhere deep down inside him he wanted Jeonghan back. Just so he could have a good nights sleep again. The last time he slept well was when Jeonghan was present. However, at the same time he didn't want Jeonghan back. Jeonghan was a bad influence and Joshua needed him gone - for good. He was definitely sure he wanted Jeonghan gone - or was he? 

Chan was still talking, going on and on about how Joshua needed to be healthy to complete his duties as a 'special' guardian angel. But was he really 'special'? All he did was work in a Church. Truthfully, Joshua was planting more in the garden than he was in the Church most of the time. Yet the Church was still dear to him.

Joshua's eyes wandered, ironically, to the stained glass window. It was still as beautiful as ever. The more Joshua stared at it, the more the angel looked like him. It was probably just a trick of the eye from staring at the stained glass window for too long but Joshua was sure it was him standing there wings spread, showcasing that one ebony feather. 

"Hello? Hyung are you even listening?" Chan questioned. Joshua was annoyed. Since when was he ever annoyed? Besides why was Chan so bothered about how Joshua's health was? He just wanted this conversation to end, as he had made clear a few times. 

"Yes I was listening. And I told you I was fine. I'm still fine. Do you get that?" Instantly Chan nodded. "Now would you please leave me alone?" Chan turned and walked off immediately without an answer. 

Joshua should've felt guilty for using his voice on Chan without a valid reason but he didn't. Instead he was just happy to be alone. 

Maybe, even with Jeonghan gone, he was still a bad influence.


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a late update. I've been sick all last week and I'm still sort of sick now. And also the passing of Jonghyun did hit me hard for a while and I really couldn't bring myself to write. I lost all inspiration to write but thankfully I gained it back.

When Jeonghan returned back to the apartment the other fallen angels sensed something was different. Jeonghan had practically ran to his bedroom instead of, like usual, sitting down at the breakfast island where Mingyu had laid out a meal for him. Jeonghan never missed a good meal, especially if it was Mingyu's cooking. Upon Seungcheol's request no one said anything but they all wanted to say something, especially Mingyu who Minghao had to drag away many times from talking to Jeonghan. Inadvertantly, the apartment had become very quiet. The other fallen angels had been skirting around Jeonghan. No one said anything when Jeonghan spat out Mingyu's food stating it as inedible, no one said anything when Jeonghan took the tv remote and refused to let anyone watch anything other than the news and nothing was said when Jeonghan had thrown a glass at the wall. Instead Mingyu had moved to clean it up, silently asking Jun with a pointed look to help him find the glass pieces scattered around. The rest of the fallen angels just stared, unsure of what to say. Jeonghan was clearly irritated as he met the eyes of Seungcheol who's face reflected sympathy.

"Why aren't you angry?!? Why aren't any of you angry?!?" Jeonghan was shouting, shoulders shaking. It was the first time Jeonghan had even uttered a word since the day he came home and the others still didn't know how to approach him, even more so now that he was angry. "Why aren't any of you angry? I've treated you all like shit the past few days. Why have none of you gotten angry?!? Look at what I did! I broke a glass. Shout at me! Get angry!" Everyone stayed silent, unmoving, which made Jeonghan angrier. He marched over to where Mingyu and Jun were searching for glass pieces and pushed them away with a strangled shout. Mingyu and Jun just stared as Jeonghan began to pick up the glass pieces himself. 

Mingyu gathered some courage and spoke, "Hyung, you don't have to. I'll do that." Jeonghan's anger seemed to have subsided, replaced by frustration. He didn't reply but feverently picked up the glass pieces. Mingyu gave Seunghcheol a look that translated into 'Please do something' and Seungcheol sighed, walked over to Jeonghan who was hunched over on the floor and put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Jeonghan stop," but Jeonghan continued, picking up a large shard of glass. Almost immediately he dropped the shard, letting out a small cry. Jeonghan examined the large gash on his hand, gray blood seeping out. "Oh, Jeonghan. Minghao grab the emergency medical kit. This is going to need stiches. It won't scar but it needs a little help to heal. Lucky you're an angel, eh?" Seungcheol held Jeonghan's hand, fully examining the cut. Minghao brought the medical kit and immediately grabbed the suture kit. Minghao handed Jeonghan two little pills and Jeonghan looked up at him, confused.

"Pain meds. This is going to hurt a bit," Minghao sounded very professional, almost like a real doctor. Between the six of them someone had to have learnt basic first aid but Minghao had taken it one step further. It had taken a few years for him to complete a doctors degree and he was constantly keeping up to date on his medical knowledge by attending courses and learning from books. Mingyu had learned the ins and outs of cooking and housework while Jun had learned martial arts and chose to pursue a career as a teacher in a dojo. Seungcheol owned three successful coffee shops in Seoul while Vernon pursued his passion as an underground rapper. Mingyu wanted to pursue a career in architecture and design in the very soon future while Minghao had also been taking an interest in art and photography, selling his work for a good price from time to time. Jeonghan was the only one who hadn't done anything since he first fell, besides wait around to fulfil this stupid personal agenda of his. Jeonghan was beginning to see how useless he was.

Minghao put on some surgical gloves, grabbed the antiseptic and said, "This is going to sting." before pouring a good amount onto the gash. Jeonghan winced and he would've withdrawn his hand if Seungcheol wasn't holding onto it so tightly. "Mingyu, grab a lighter and put the needle under the flame. Vernon grab a cotton ball and put some disinfectant on it. Wipe down the needle once Mingyu is done with it. Hold the needle carefully - I don't want you to contaminate it after you just disinfected it." Minghao proceeded to examine the wound more thoroughly - pressing around the edges and slightly pulling the wound open to reveal flesh - while the needle was prepped. Jeonghan stared at the needle Vernon was wiping with the cotton ball and his stomach did little flips. He suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. His skin visibly paled and he tried to take his hand back from Seungcheol but Seungcheol wasn't having it. 

"No! We are stitching you up no matter what. Minghao hurry up!" Minghao grabbed the needle off of Vernon, threaded the needle and came closer. The needle was curved (which made it seem a lot scarier in Jeonghan's eyes) and ran it from the outside through the entire layer of skin then across the laceration back through the other side, neatly tying off each stitch with a square knot. Jeonghan kept squirming to get away at first but once Minghao had gotten close enough with the needle he was too scared to move in fear of getting hurt. Jeonghan had to look away while Minghao finished up, somehow it hurt less when he couldn't see the needle. Minghao cleaned the stitches up with more antiseptic before wrapping Jeonghan's hand in a bandage. 

"Make sure you keep your stitches clean and don't use you hand as much. We don't want the stitches opening up," Minghao spoke as he packed up the suture kit. Mingyu and Jun had finished picking up the glass and Seungcheol had finally let go of his hand. 

"Thanks," Jeonghan's voice was a murmur but Minghao still nodded in response. Jeonghan turned to the rest of the fallen angels. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said your food was inedible Mingyu. It's really not. It's amazing. I'm sorry I borrowed your headphones without your permission and lost them Vernon. I promise I'll look for them. I'm sorry I wouldn't let you watch your drama Jun. The news wasn't really as interesting. I'm sorry I borrowed your clothes without asking and never gave them back Minghao. I'll wash them and give them back to you. And I'm sorry I locked you out of our shared room for two nights in a row and made you sleep on the couch Seungcheol." Jeonghan sighed, nervously fiddling with his clothes. "I'm sorry I've been such a horrible person to all of you lately." Jeonghan looked down at the floor as he spoke, ashamed at his actions. Anger was a powerful emotion. It makes you do stupid things but it helps you forget the pain for a bit. That is until you realise just how irrational being angry at people who haven't angered you is. Looking back over the conversation with Joshua and the way he had been ever since he realised just how stupid he had been. Jeonghan couldn't even remember when he had become so focused on only revenge and disregarded everyone else's feelings. In the midst of things he had become sp obsessed at getting back at the people who had stolen his purity from him, who had stolen his beautiful white wings from him, that he totally forgot about his morals and everyone he cared about.

"It's okay. We all understand. It's always easier to deal with anger than pain," surprisingly it was Vernon who had spoken, somehow managing to read Jeonghan's mind and emotions. With just that statement Vernon left, walking off to his room. Jun nodded with understanding and followed Vernon. Jeonghan had lived with them for years yet Jeonghan still didn't understand them. How could they be so understanding of something they don't even know about? It baffled yet amazed Jeonghan. Minghao used the medical kit as an excuse to leave stating that it urgently needed to be put back in its original spot ready for the next emergency. 

That left Jeonghan with Mingyu and Seungcheol, the two fallen angels Jeonghan didn't want to be left alone with. Knowing that somehow Seungcheol would bring up a way to get Jeonghan talking about the conversation with Joshua, Jeonghan made a beeline for his bedroom. Unfortunately, he seemed to be too predictable and Seungcheol blocked his path with his left wing. 

"Anger to substitute pain?" Seungcheol asked, that annoying arch angel authoritative voice coming out. "Mingyu, using your powers what emotions would you say Jeonghan has been feeling these past few days?" Jeonghan was a little shocked Seungcheol had asked Mingyu to use his power. Jeonghan knew Mingyu hated using it - believing that his power was too intrusive of other people's business. 

"Pain, hurt, anger, frustration, annoyance, dejection, shame, guilt, lo-" 

"Don't you think that's enough? I think you've revealed enough of my emotions. Might as well reveal all my thoughts as well while you're at it," Jeonghan interrupted Mingyu, who seemed to be laying out every single feeling Jeonghan had been feeling the past few days. Mingyu had been correct in thinking his power was too intrusive because it was. Why did he need someone else knowing how he really feels about things? Jeonghan liked his emotions hidden, liked being unreadable to the other fallen angels. 

MIngyu was uncomfortable sharing Jeonghan's emotions like that but if Seungcheol had commanded him to then he couldn't say no. It wasn't nice being able to read emotions especially when Mingyu felt every emotion the other person felt. When Mingyu was once a love angel his power had come in handy - Mingyu was able to feel the love people shared and could patch them up together. But when he fell he had no real reason to use his power when all he ever felt from the people around him were agonising emotions and his power was very intrusive, revealing dark things about some people. Sometimes if emotions were strong enough Mingyu was able to see the memory behind them and that's exactly what Mingyu was able to see when he read Jeonghan's emotions.

"How can I trust anything you say? Don't try and pretend that you're liberating me from some tyranny when you're just the same. I'm just some puppet in your show. You never wanted me to just know the truth or help me - you want me to become a fallen angel so you can show me off like some sort of trophy!" 

"Don't even try to compare me to Him. What I'm doing is nothing compared to what He does. I am nothing like that!" 

Anger, hurt and shame. 

"Why do you want to make Joshua fall so badly, hyung?" Mingyu couldn't stop the question from leaving his mouth after witnessing those memories. There was silence. No answer from Jeonghan, who was staring at the floor as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. He seemed hesitant to say anything.

"Please answer the question Jeonghan," Seungcheol pleaded, not using his eyes like he usually would have. Maybe that was what convinced Jeonghan it was okay to speak or maybe it was just the crushing feeling Joshua's words had had on him. 

"It's simple. Revenge." Was he really like Him for wanting revenge?

"Revenge for what? There's nothing to get revenge for," Seungcheol was confused. What revenge was Jeonghan on about? Why was Jeonghan never up front? 

"They took it all from me. You wouldn't get it. They took it all. My purity, my wings, my purpose. They took it all away with just a few words. Joshua is important to Them. I don't know how. But Joshua has a power valuable to Them that I am sure they will exploit. They did it once and They'll do it again. I can take Joshua away from Them. I can finally get revenge!"

 

 


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick question:   
> Does anyone even read this???

Eventually, a few sleepless nights turned into a sleepless week and then turned into sleepless weeks. Joshua's body couldn only take two sleepless weeks at a time and that was when Joshua pushed himself. Joshua couldn't go near his bed, or any comfortable seating, in fear of falling asleep. After those two weeks Joshua found himself sitting in one of the pews reading the Bible. Joshua was whispering the words to himself when he suddenly fell asleep, dropping the Bible and falling backward. Joshua was back in the dreaded nightmare. This time it was worse than the last. Their hands were blistering, it felt as if they were burning through his wings. Feather by feather his wings fell apart, the black feathers falling to the ground all around him. Worse yet Joshua could clearly see his friends faces. He could see the malice in their eyes. Hear their manic laughs and hurtful jeers. Every single sense Joshua had was heightened. Including pain. When they counted down, snickering as their hands shook with anticipation, Joshua was already screaming. A blood curdling, ear piercing scream. Joshua couldn't even recognise his own voice when they finally ripped the now bare skeleton of his wings. He could hear his flesh tearing,the bones breaking in his shoulders. The unmistakeable cackle as the other angels stared at him, blood pooling down his shoulders and down his back.The buzzing in his head growing until all he saw was white. Joshua missed the mysterious person who saved him

****

Joshua had watched the leaves slwoly morph from green to orange to brown. With every gust of wind more leaves fell from the trees, showering the church grounds with oranges and browns. More and more leaves made their homes on the ground and the trees began to look bare. Harsh looking branches  Autumn was progressing to winter. With the seasons changing so did the weather. Rainy days turned to harsh, frosty mornings and overcast skies. The cold breeze that usually swept through the Church progressed to a drafty wind that brought the bitterness of the outside world in. With or without the heaters on, the Church still carried that severe cold no matter what. The Church that was usually illuminated in a kaleidoscope of colours from the stained glass window now washed in dull browns, a sepia coloured photo. Joshua didn't want to admit that his beloved Church was starting to feel unwelcoming to him.

****

The more unwelcome the Church began to feel, the more welcome the garden began to look. Joshua's hard work gardening had paid off. Whether it be rain or snow Joshua's garden looked appealing and added that little colour Joshua was sure he was missing. Of course Joshua couldn't forget his duties at the Church but as the days got colder the amount of people turning up lessened until no one bothered to turn up anymore. Joshua had brought out a chair and placed himself next to his Camellias, a blanket placed on his lap. The shape of the garden ensured that Joshua's winter garden surrounded him, concealing his body from the view of anyone. Just the way Joshua liked it nowadays. Joshua always stared at the his plants. The soft petals of the camellias calmed Joshua when his thoughts overwhelmed him. The sharp leaves of the evergreen holly brought Joshua back to reality when he couldn't discern dreams from reality. The firethorn bushes attracted birds that had become Joshua's friends when he felt that he couldn't trust his own. His garden had turned into his sanctuary.

****

If Joshua had to pick one thing he loved the most about sitting in his garden in winter, he would have to say the winter sun. The winter sun was harsh yet bright. It fascinated Joshua. It reminded Joshua of the light he always saw before the mysterious person saved him in his nightmares. It comforted Joshua - it reminded him strangely of Jeonghan. Harsh but warm. Thoughts of Jeonghan were a nice change from the thoughts Joshua usually thought. It was a change from the constant reminder of his friends faces or the constant phantom ache he felt in his wings. Jeonghan was a frequent thought that cropped up. Most days it was the memory of the argument and Joshua ended up feeling angry at Jeonghan. However, other days it was the memory of Jeonghan taking his pain and Joshua ended up with conflicted feelings.Jeonghan, the fallen angel who wanted to take Joshua's innocence but also Jeonghan, the former angel who wanted to help people. How bad could Jeonghan really be? Sitting outside, Joshua stared up at the winter sun again. Bright yet harsh. Funny how when you swap the words around they have an entirely different meaning. 

****

Showering was an effort for Joshua these days. Everything was an effort for Joshua but especially showering. Stepping into the shower Joshua almost jumped back out. The water was cold, almsot freezing. Where had the warmth gone? Joshua didn't jump out thought instead he embraced the cold. It was refreshing - different. Joshua needed difference. Joshua just stood in the shower leaning against the tiles, letting the cold water wash over his body. Water was so durable - so versatile. It was so mesmerising. How did it do that? Joshua held his hand underneath the water and watched as it adapted to move around his hand. Water had so many uses. One of them being baptism. Water cleansed sins. Joshua hoped that if he stayed under the water long enough his sins - Jeonghan and the other fallen angels - would disappear. But Joshua knew that no matter what he would never be able to forget the fallen angels and their effect on him. Most importantly, he knew he would never be able to forget Jeonghan.

****

Joshua stared at his calendar. It was close to the end of the year. Another year of working at the Church but this year was different. Things felt different. 

"It's what humans would consider an anniversary for you today right?" Joshua jumped at the sudden voice, so used to just himself, but when he turned Seungkwan was standing there. He was smiling when Joshua first turned but when he got a look at Joshua a look of worry, much similar to Chan's, replaced his smile. Joshua forced a smile onto his face - it felt weird, he hadn't smiled in a while. 

"I guess you could count it as the anniversary of when I first came to Earth. 30th of December," Joshua whispered as he turned to look back at the calender. "December 30th."

Seungkwan walked towards Joshua and stood next to him. He gave Joshua a sideways glance. "Are you okay, hyung?" 

Those same words Chan had said. But this time Joshua didn't feel like lying. Lying got him nowhere. Plus Seungkwan was trustworthy. Joshua believed he would keep the secret. Joshua leaned towards Seungkwan. Seungkwan stared back, a little lost, Joshua's haggard features slightly scaring him. 

"Can you keep a secret?" Joshua was whispering, leaving Seungkwan even more confused. Angels didn't have secrets. But Seungkwan still nodded. 

"I've met a fallen angel," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohohohoh. What will Seungkwan do with this info? Can he be trusted? Who knows. Definitely not me because I still have not decided. I'm so happy with this chapter. I hope you enjoy it. 


	17. Chapter 16

Jeonghan liked the rain. The hard beating of the rain falling on pavement matched the beating of his heart. The ashen clouds shrouded the city, bathing everything in grey, bringing darkness. The gusty wind that ruffled his feathers and raised the hair on his arms. Days like this comforted Jeonghan. Having the water droplets fall over his face, rest on his eyelashes and dampen his wings. Then watching as the water, all seperate when falling, collated together in murky puddles and raging rivers that ran through the roads and disappeared down drains. The rain seemed to wash away everything, the dirt on the pavement, the tears down his face and the warmth in his bones. Too bad it couldn't wash away the past. Jeonghan liked the rain because when it rained it felt like a new beginning. It was not. Nothing could erase the past he had and the feelings he carried as a burden.

****

Jeonghan never understood the human emotion of love.Jeonghan understood pain. Jeonghan understood love brought pain. But Jeonghan never understood love. Jeonghan often wondered why he never understood love when he took the pain of someone else. After all wasn't what he was doing considered an act of love by humans? To Jeonghan it was just a duty. A duty he enjoyed doing because helping humans fulfilled his purpose as an angel. When he asked the reply was 'angels couldn't feel love so there was no need to understand it' and Jeonghan had never felt the need to ask again. Jeonghan had never done anything out of love.  

Before Jeonghan fell he never did anything out of love. When Jeonghan fell he understood love, when Jeonghan met the other fallen angels he understood what it was like to feel love for someone, when Jeonghan met Joshua he finally fully understood what it meant to do something out of love.

****

Jeonghan often reminisced about his past. Life in Heaven had always seemed simpler to him and when he thought back he was reminded that it was. The Jeonghan from back then used to feel so carefree and happy albeit sometimes a bit naive and lost. Why did all of that have to be taken from him? He didn't ask to be a fallen angel. He didn't want to feel so much hate and resentment. Sometimes when he stared at Joshua's wings he wished for his own to be back. Why did they have to be taken from him?

****

Jeonghan's days were mostly spent in thought. He didn't talk much with the fallen angels and spent most of his time in his room or outside walking. Jeonghan's thoughts varied but they always came back to Joshua. Jeonghan put it down to him just wanting to find a way to talk to Joshua again even if some of his thoughts didn't correspond with that idea. Jeonghan figured it had been a long enough break. Joshua surely would have calmed down by now. Even so, Jeonghan didn't know how to approach him. He knew he couldn't just walk into the Church and talk to Joshua like before. Joshua had wanted him gone and gone for good. 

Jeonghan had thought about giving up but the thought of Joshua being used for something evil made him feel sick to the stomach. The idea of revenge often disappeared when thoughts of Joshua were on Jeonghan's mind. Something about Joshua made him forget about the feelings of anger and resentment temporarily. That was another reason Jeonghan wanted so urgently to talk to Joshua again but he would never admit that to himself. 

Every idea Jeonghan had come up with seemed stupid. He would never talk to Joshua again at this rate. That thought alone made him anxious and he closed his eyes in frustration. Why couldn't he come up with a plan? Was he overthinking this? Jeonghan knew Joshua was a patient, forgiving guy and that maybe if Jeonghan tried he'd want to talk to Jeonghan again but Jeonghan also knew that maybe's weren't good enough. He needed a solid plan that would make sure Joshua would talk to him again. Jeonghan was getting more and more frustrated and screamed into his pillow. This caught the attention of Minghao who was walking past his room. Minghao looked in and saw Jeonghan with his face in a pillow. 

"Is something wrong?" Minghao knew something was wrong and he didn't need to ask to know what it was but he needed Jeonghan to talk before Jeonghan ended up stuck in his own head for good. Jeonghan turned away from his pillow to see Minghao standing next to his bed. Maybe Minghao would know what to do.

"Yes. Someting is very wrong," Jeonghan properly sat up on his bed and gestured for Minghao to sit on his bed. Minghao complied and looked at Jeonghan, expectant. "Well you see it's about Joshua. I don't know how to reapproach him," Jeonghan sighed. Minghao made a small 'ahh' sound and thought for a second.

"What are you so worried about? I think you're overthinking it all. Joshua seems like an angel who doesn't like to have his feelings played with. I think he feels like that what you did to him. Just show him the real side of you and not the side that wants to have him fall from grace," Minghao always had a way with words and Jeonghan was glad he did. Jeonghan jumped up from his bed.

"Thank you Minghao. You are a genius! I know just what to do," Jeonghan moved to quickly put on his shoes and ran to the door of the apartment. Minghao followed.

"Where are you going?" 

"To see Joshua," Minghao looked at the way Jeonghan was dressed, sweats, an oversized jumper and the dirtiest looking converse, slightly judging him. Nonetheless he let Jeonghan go, waving him off with a promise to tell the other fallen angels. Walking back to his room Minghao checked the date on his phone: December 30th. 


	18. Chapter 17

"That's a funny joke hyung," Seungkwan laughed a little, sometimes Joshua could really be funny.

"I'm not joking though," Joshua's voice was deadly serious and the smile on Seungkwan's face dropped. Maybe Joshua was still carrying on the jpke and was trying to scare him. Seungkwan hoped he was just joking around. "I've met a fallen angel," Joshua whispered again, insistent.

"Come on hyung. It's not funny anymore. Stop trying to scare me with that myth," Seungkwan's voice trembled a little. Joshua was being so serious about this joke that it scared him a little. 

"I told you I'm not joking. Fallen angels are real and I've met one," Joshua didn't whisper this time but instead announced it as if it were some great news. Seungkwan couldn't believe what he was hearing. By now if Joshua was joking he would have started breaking the facade but Joshua was still so serious.

"You what?!?" Seungkwan thought he must have misheard, there was no way Joshua was saying what he thought he had heard.

"I've met a fallen angel," Joshua repeated, he sounded a little annoyed that he had to repeat it but Seungkwan needed to hear it again. He just couldn't believe it. Fallen angels weren't real but Joshua's seriousness suggested otherwise. But maybe Joshua wasn't in his right mind, maybe he had dreamed it up and thought it was real. Looking at Joshua again, he did look quite out of it. Had he even been sleeping? It didn't look like it with hunched shoulders, bloodshot eyes and pale skin. 

"Are you even okay hyung? You look like death," Seungkwan nervously spoke, rubbing the back of his neck. Joshua seemed unstable and Seungkwan didn't know how to approach him. Weirdly, Joshua laughed at Seungkwan's words - a small giggle that bubbled into a deep belly laugh. Tears threatened to fall and Joshua had one hand on his belly and the other on the table to steady himself. It felt odd - when was the last time he had laughed? Joshua didn't understand why he was laughing. The question of whether he was okay had triggered it. Was he okay? He didn't know himself and for some reason that was funny. The usually self assured Joshua unsure of whether he was okay. It was ironic. However, Seungkwan didn't get the joke. What was funny about looking like death or asking if he was okay? Watching the other angel carry on laughing Seungkwan took a step back, more than slightly worried about Joshua's mental state now. After laughing for what seemed like five minutes Joshua finally gathered himself, stood up straight and took a deep breath in. Seungkwan was blankly staring at him, still not understanding what the joke was.

"I'm totally fine Seungkwan. I'm serious about meeting a fallen angel and I didn't just make it up in my head. I'm sure of that," Joshua didn't sound sure. Maybe he had made it up in his head. But Jeonghan had felt so real.

"Are you sure?" Seungkwan still couldn't believe the idea of fallen angels and Joshua didn't exactly seem mentally stable to him either. How could he trust what he was saying?

"Yes I'm sure!" Joshua snapped at Seungkwan. Seungkwan flinched, not expecting Joshua to snap at him like that. Since when did Joshua start getting angry? "I'm sure I didn't make it up in my head. Everything felt so real. The stories were so vivid. I can't have made them up in my head."

"What stories?" Seungkwan knew he shouldn't have been asking, he shouldn't get involved, but he couldn't stop himself. There was something in the way Joshua spoke that intrigued him, that drew him in. 

"The most enlightening of stories," Joshua walked over to his bookshelf and trailed his fingers over the spines of the books. "Stories unlike anything I've ever heard before. Stories of friendship, love, hardships, destruction and sadness. So much sadness," Joshua's voice trailed off and his eyes seemed to look through the bookshelf. His voice had sounded far away. Seungkwan wondered what he was thinking - what sort of stories did this fallen angel tell him to make him this way? 

"Oh Seungkwan they were such sad stories, such horrific stories!" Suddenly Joshua was next to him again, eyes frantic. Joshua grabbed his arm, holding on tight. "You should have heard about all the horrible things They did. They treated mankind unfairly, They kept two lovers apart, They drove Lucifer over the edge, They ruined Lucifers life!" Joshua wasn't making any sense and frankly he was scaring Seungkwan. And the things he was saying? Seungkwan ripped his arm out of Joshua's hold and moved away quickly so he was a considerable distance away from Joshua, shocked at the words Joshua had said. Joshua seemed crazy - something wild behind the look in his eyes. However, Seungkwan didn't notice the hurt look that crossed Joshua's face when he had moved away from him. Didn't notice the pleading look Joshua had been giving him - begging him to save him from whatever Jeonghan had got him in to- too focused on what Joshua had been saying. Seungkwan didn't notice that Joshua was slowly breaking inside. 

"What are you saying? That Heaven did all of that? Joshua you can't possibly believe that. You know what the true stories are," Seungkwan's voice carried disbelief and he felt slightly disgusted. How could Joshua, the purest angel he knew, believe things like that? How could he think of Heaven like that?

"I...believe that?" It was a question rather than a statement. Did he believe all of that? Surely he didn't believe it - he couldn't be believing it. Maybe he did. But even if he did believe it, it didn't make him evil right? It didn't make him unpure - it was okay right? Joshua wasn't losing himself was he? Seungkwan watched Joshua battle with himself - watched what Joshua had been reduced to - and looked away. This wasn't the Joshua he knew, it saddened and scared to see him this way.

"None of that is true. The fallen angel is just trying to take you away from Heaven. They're evil, remember?" Seungkwan tried to get through to Joshua. Would Jeonghan really have lied to him just to take him away from Heaven? Were the fallen angels really evil? Joshua thought back to the fallen angels, thought back to how they had been. 

"But- no. They aren't evil. They're misunderstood. Fallen angels aren't evil at all yet Heaven takes their wings away," Joshua's voice sounded far away again.

"What are you even saying?!? Are you listening to yourself? Heaven would never take an angels wings away even if that angel was fallen. There's just no way Heaven is evil. The Joshua I knew wouldn't be speaking like this. And look at you. Look at what you've become like." Seungkwan gestured to Joshua's beaten down stature. "What have you done to yourself Joshua? You aren't the angel I thought you were," Seungkwan looked away, he didn't want to be associated with Joshua anymore. He couldn't risk being associated with Joshua. Seungkwan couldn't risk becoming like Joshua - couldn't risk falling so far from Heaven and his beliefs.

Joshua thought that maybe he was dreaming, maybe this was a nightmare. He couldn't believe what Seungkwan was saying. Out of all of his friends Joshua truely thought he could trust Seungkwan to help him, to understand him. Instead his biggest fear was coming true - his friend was turning away from him. Joshua could tell Seungkwan was beginning to resent him, Seungkwan couldn't even look at Joshua. As Seungkwan had pointed out, Joshua wasn't the angel Seungkwan used to know. Joshua was different and different wasn't what he was supposed to be. Joshua fell to his knees. What had he done? Telling Seungkwan was a mistake, talking about it was a mistake. He should have just carried on lying and now he had put the fallen angels in danger. 

"You won't tell anyone else about this, will you? Please don't. I'm begging you not to tell anyone else about this," Joshuas voice cracked on the last syllable, ready to cry. Seungkwan continued to look away, fearing that if he looked back he'd cave and become more involved in something he shouldn't be involved in. However, Joshua had taken that as a sign that Seungkwan had once and for all turned his back on him. 

"I won't tell anyone but I fear that the next time I see you you won't be a pure angel anymore," With that last statement Seungkwan left, leaving Joshua on the floor. Joshua felt like he couldn't breathe. It was happening as he feared it would. Seungkwan was just the beginning. One by one his friends would find out and turn on him, leaving him behind. Leaving him as the odd one out - the unpure angel among the pure ones. What was the saying? One rotten apple spoils the whole barrel. Maybe that would be the case with his friends. And his dream would become reality. 


	19. Chapter 18

Jeonghan hummed quietly as he entered the Church. A sweet melody that brought a smile to his face - something he hadn't done in a while. It was going to be a great day. Jeonghan could just imagine it in his head. His talk with Joshua would go smoothly, Joshua will forgive him and Jeonghan will be back to trying to get Joshua to fall. It seemed as easy as pie. Although considering that Jeonghan didn't particularly like pie that probably wasn't the best idiom to use. Maybe as easy as 123 was better. Jeonghan nodded to him - definitely better. 

Jeonghan was suprised when he walked in. The Church was empty which wasn't actually the surprising part. The surprising part was that it was dusty. Jeonghan could tell as soon as he walked in. Dustlight was evident where ever the sun shone down into the Church and running his finger on top of one of the pews left a generous amount of dust on his finger. There were even wilted flowers left in vases and Bibles were just lying on seats of pews. Jeonghan knew Joshua took pride in his Church and would never usually let it get this dirty. Maybe he had been busy with other work. Jeonghan chose to remain ignorant instead of face the truth that something was wrong.

Jeonghan continued to hum as he walked up the steps to Joshua's apartment, his smile still plastered on his face. Something felt odd. It was too silent like the calm before a storm or like the moment right after a storm - there was tension in the air. Halfway up the stairs, Jeonghan heard it. A broken sob. Jeonghan froze, trying to listen for another one. He thought that maybe he had heard wrong or was imagining it. But a few seconds later there was another sob, stifled this time. Someone was crying. Jeonghan looked down at the Church, there was no one sitting there crying so that left only one other person. Joshua. Jeonghan sprinted up the rest of stairs immediately, almost breaking down the door instead of swinging it. He didn't really care, all that mattered was that Joshua was crying. Joshua was crying and that was all Jeonghan could think about. 

Bursting into the apartment, he panicked when he couldn't see Joshua. But upon closer inspection Jeonghan found Joshua sat between his bookshelf and oak sideboard. His arms were wrapped around his legs and his wings barely fitted in to the small space. Jeonghan slowly walked over to him. His whole body was trembling, his wings shaking really badly compared to the rest of his body. There was a rawness to the way Joshua cried and the sobs, although muffled, ripped through his whole body. Jeonghan could tell Joshua was trying to stifle them. There would be no sobs, just sniffles, but sobs can't be controlled. They force their way out and when they do it's louder and more desperate sounding than an uncontrolled sob. Jeonghan quietly sat crossed legged in front of Joshua's crying form. His hand reached out to stroke Joshua's wing but Jeonghan stopped himself. He couldn't. It would startle Joshua.

"Shua?" Jeonghan's voice was soft and cautious. The use of the endearing nickname caught Joshua's attention - there was only one person who called him that. Joshua looked up to see Jeonghan staring at him with worry painted across his face. Joshua couldn't believe he was there. The guy who had ruined his life. The guy who was behind the reason his friend had turned his back on him. Joshua opened his mouth to say something but instead a sob burst out and Joshua burst into more tears. 

Jeonghan was shocked when Joshua looked up. Joshua looked horrible and to say that was an understatement. He was a pale as a ghost, dark circles under his eyes and sunken, bloodshot eyes. Tears streamed down his face, he had cried so much that there were tears marks streaking down his face. His eyes were red from crying so much and tears kept filling up in his eyes. His lips quivered and he sniffled his nose as he opened his mouth to say something. There was a breath in, a sob out and then he scrunched his eyes shut letting out a cry as more tears streamed down his face. Joshua buried his face in his hands. Jeonghan panicked. Had he done something wrong? Why was he crying more? What was he supposed to do? Talking was obviously not going to be happening and frankly Jeonghan didn't know what to say. He couldn't even remember what he was going to say.

Tentatively, Jeonghan reached his hand out again and slowly stroked his wings. Jeonghan vaguely remembered Joshua liking it once. Wings were sensitive, they had to be since they were like a sixth sense to angels. Jeonghan continued to caress Joshua's wings hoping it would calm him down. Maybe there was something in the warmth of his hand on Joshua's wings that was calming because soon his sobs died down to just hiccups and little sniffles. Jeonghan stopped his ministrations once he knew Joshua had calmed down but a few minutes later he heard a whine. Joshua was looking up at him and Jeonghan could see tears threatening to fall again. He panicked for the millionth time that day. 

"No no no. Please don't cry again!" Jeonghan pleaded and stood up, ready to pace. What was he supposed to do? "Hey do you know what we should do? We should lay you down in your bed," Jeonghan helped Joshua up from the small space he had been sitting in and led Joshua to his bedroom. Jeonghan didn't know what he was doing but whenever he was upset his bed always helped. Unfortunately, Joshua had started crying again on the way to the bedroom and laying in bed didn't help at all. Instead it made it worse with Joshua rolling onto his side and just laying there, crying. "No no, don't cry. Please?" Asking nicely didn't work either. The only time Joshua had stopped crying was when he had been stroking his wings. 

Jeonghan decided to lay next to Joshua in bed, facing him. Joshua had his eyes closed but tears still fell. Joshua shivered and his wing moved to cover his body hitting Jeonghan in the process but he didn't mind. This made it easier for Jeonghan to reach out and start stroking Joshua's wing again. Joshua's feathers were soft, almost feeling like velvet, and when Jeonghan touched his wing it seemed to lean into his touch. It was a fascinating feeling, so calming and comforting. Jeonghan indulged in the feeling and soon realised that Joshua had fallen asleep but he never took his hand off of the wingm continuing to indulge in the feeling. It was only when Jeonghan was on the brink of sleep that he realised that he had comforted Joshua without using his power and he fell off to sleep smiling.


	20. Chapter 19

Jeonghan found it hard to dream because whenever he would fall off to sleep he was reminded of that day. It was weird how even though he had relived the day a million times yet it still felt like it was the first time. 

****

Jeonghan found it amusing to watch Seungcheol talk to Mingyu. Mingyu was always such a free spirit, refusing to follow protocol and always doing things the way he wanted to. Of course this pissed Seungcheol off as he was in charge of Mingyu and needed to keep him in line as an archangel. Truthfully Seungcheol didn't really care what Mingyu did but reprimanded him and had him follow protocols just so he could out do Jihoon, a competition of the sorts had begun between them and so far Jihoon was winning. 

"Mingyu, could you please visit Wonwoo to consult the Book of Fate?"

"Why do I have to consult the Book of Fate?" Jeonghan heard Seungcheol sigh for the millionth time that day. 

"Because contrary to your beliefs Mingyu, you can't go around patching up the humans you want. We, as angels, have a duty to follow the rules set down by God and one of those rules is that a love angel, such as yourself, should only follow the relationships already preordained. Now go." 

Jeonghan knew that Seungcheol would resume his usual lazy stature as soon as Mingyu left. Going back to disregarding his duties. 

"Disregarding you're work again?" Jeonghan walked out of the shadows to tease Seungcheol, smiling. "You do know our job is to help humans right? Weren't you just scolded Mingyu for not doing his duties yet here you are disregarding your own work,"

"Ha! What help? The last time I looked over the prayer reports, there were more prayers than I care to count asking to win the lottery. I stopped reading and disregarded the whole report." Sometimes Jeonghan wonders why Seungcheol bothers even looking at the reports. Probably just to make sure he had read the most prayer reports to spite Jihoon. 

"Tsk tsk. What if there were any genuine prayers among those? You totally disregarded them. As an arch angel it's your duty." Jeonghan has to wonder who the arch angel is sometimes because he seems to tell Seungcheol off more than Seungcheol tells other angels off.

"Aren't you supposed to be with Daejung?" Jeonghan was reminded of his meeting with the fellow angel, a close friend of his. Jeonghan thought about it for a minute before getting distracted by Seungcheol's staring.

"Yes I am. But he said he'd be a little late since he had to get something." Seungcheol was still staring into his eyes and it was beginning to annoy him. "Don't think your arch angel powers will work on me, Seungcheol. You won't be able to get rid of me just by staring into my eyes like you did with Mingyu." Seungcheol should know by now that his powers didn't work on him - you could fight it if you really tried. "Don't abuse the power you have. Now you should probably get back to reading those reports on the humans that your angels look over. They don't do that for nothing. I've got to meet Daejung. I wonder what was so important that he dragged me away from work. Good luck!" Jeonghan smiled to himself as he walked away, fully knowing Seungcheol wasn't going to read through those reports properly. 

Jeonghan met up with Daejung on Earth in the very Church Jeonghan looked after. Jeonghan only ever knew this Church, it was his pride being able to help those who came to him. Jeonghan wondered why Daejung wanted to meet here. Although Daejung had told Jeonghan he'd be late since he had to get something he didn't turn up with anything - that was odd. Dismissing the thought from his mind he smiled as he walked up to Daejung. 

"Hey Daejung." Jeonghan said as he sat next to him on the first pew. Daejung just nodded as a reply - weird. "So what did you want to talk about?" 

"We have a problem." Daejung's voice was serious and the smile of Jeonghan's face disappeared. 

"What?" Jeonghan was confused. "What problem? And who is we? I don't remember having a problem."

"Heavan has a problem. And that problem is Seolhyun." Daejung's voice was devoid of all emotion which scared Jeonghan. Seolhyun was Daejung's close friend how could he not have any emotion in his voice talking about her?

"Seolhyun? What's the problem?" Jeonghan cautiously asked but the moment Daejung answered he realised he shouldn't have asked at all. 

"She's fallen in love with her human. She plans to live with him on Earth. She needs to be stopped." The last sentence had Jeonghan's hair raised. The conviction in the way he said it frightened him. This wasn't the Daejung he knew. Jeonghan moved away from him a little.

"Okay but how does this involve me?"Jeonghan nervously asked. "I just take away pain Daejung. I wouldn't be able to do anything. Isn't this a better job for you? After all you can plant thoughts into people's head and command them to do things." There was a considerable gap between them which Jeonghan was grateful for but Daejung moved so he was right next to Jeonghan so he could grab his arm. Jeonghan winced when he did so and he tried to tug his hand out of his grasp. "Daejung you're hurting me!"

"You have to stop her Jeonghan. They say it has to be you. You're going to be the one to do it Jeonghan." Slowly Daejung was raising his voice and Jeonghan flinched. What was going on? "You're going to be the one to kill her!" Jeonghan faltered for a second digesting the words he had just heard. Kill...her? Jeonghan's eyes widened and he desperately tried to pry Daejung's hand from his arm. 

"Let me go! I'm not going to kill her!" Daejung looked at Jeonghan and he has the eyes of a madman. 

"Oh but you are Jeonghan. You're going to kill her because you want to."Jeonghan could feel it. Intrusive thoughts -thoughts that weren't his. Jeonghan tried to fight it. Maybe if he tried hard enough he would be able to fight it like he did with Seungcheol. Jeongha pushed the thoughts out of his head, one by one. Replacing them with thoughts of happiness, he remembered the time Mingyu had hugged him and the time Seungcheol had beaten Jihoon in a little contest. He remembered the smiles, the feelings of comfort and the happiness that weighed heavily in his chest. He remembered his conversation with Seungcheol this morning, remembers the light atmosphere. He remembers strangling Seungcheol watching those brown eyes he always fought against slowly lose their light. No it wasnt working! He remembers stabbing Mingyu in the back as they hugged. Jeonghan screamed internally. This wasn't him. He wasn't like this. 

He pictured Seolhyun in front of him, innocently smiling, and then he watches as her smile shifts into a surprised look. She tries to speak but can't get her words out. Instead she looks down, shocked, at the hand -his hand- in her chest. He can feel his hand around her heart, beating frantically as she realises just what's going on. Her eyes are wide but they aren't panicking - they are asking why. Why is he doing this? Betrayal and hurt is evident on her face and Jeonghan watches as a tear rolls down her cheek. Then with one last look at her face he pulls his hand out, her heart in the palm of his hand. Jeonghan looked at it covered in her gold blood - it was still beating. And it would continue to beat. There were many ways to kill an angel but this was the worst way because even after ripping the heart out it continued to beat, the longer it beat the more painful it was for the piece of the angel stuck in the heart. 

When Jeonghan finally feels the intrusive thoughts leaving he's horrified at what he finds. Seolhyun's body on the marble floor in front of him, her gold blood running out of the gaping hole in her chest. His hands are covered in gold and he feels like being sick. What did he do? Jeonghan searched the floor for the heart wanting to put her out of her misery but neither the heart nor Daejung could be found.

Suddenly as he stood numbly staring at the gold against the marble he felt a searing pain in his wings and he fell to his knees. Jeonghan screamed at the pain, closing his eyes. His wings spread wide involuntarily and when the pain stopped Jeonghan opened his eyes and looked at them. His face paled as he looked at his wings - there was one obsidian black feather among his beautiful white ones. 

Jeonghan didn't know what to do. He looked at Seolhyun's body and picked it up - she needed to be buried. Jeonghan took her to the garden instead of the graveyard. He dug a whole and placed her body in it. He stood besides the grave repeating his apologies over and over. He felt horrible and he felt at fault even though he wasn't. It wasn't his fault. It was Heaven's fault and he would get revenge on them one. As Jeonghan watched the grave, a sapling sprouted from the dirt. It started small but it grew and grew until roses of various colours bloomed from the bush it had become. Jeonghan smiled at the bush and picked a rose off of the bush, pricking his fingers on the thorns drawing gray blood instead of gold. He was truly changed. He was no longer an angel but a fallen angel. Jeonghan walked to the steps of the Church and in front of the door he lay the rose. The rose was a message and a reminder that Jeonghan would be back to exact revenge for what They had done to him.


	21. Chapter 20

Joshua slept dream free for the first time in weeks. It was a relief that he could escape that horrible reoccuring nightmare and finally get some good sleep. When he woke up he felt refreshed, a feeling he hadn't felt since the nightmares began. His eyes hurt a little and his throat felt dry, probably from all the crying he had done. It was a surprise he had even managed to stop crying and fall asleep. Joshua had Jeonghan to thank for that. If it hadn't been for Jeonghan he would have never been able to stop crying.

Joshua looked to the fallen angel besides him remembering the way Jeonghan had been towards him when he had been crying. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all. Joshua had never seen an angel be so heartless and never expected a fallen angel to be so compassionate. Frankly, it questioned all Joshua had ever believed. It shook his core beliefs and Joshua feared that soon those pillars of faith would fall and come cascading down on him. He sat up in bed drawing his knees close to his body. What would he do once those pillars fell? Would he let them fall? Would he try to rebuild them? Would he join Jeonghan? There were so many questions running through his mind; so many what ifs, would hes and whys. When had everything become so difficult for him? 

Joshua ,who was deep in thought, jumped when a small whine escaped Jeonghans mouth as he turned in bed and woke up. His wings hit Joshuas legs and Joshua scooted away so he was on the very edge of the bed - dangerous territory for a top heavy angel. Thankfully Jeonghan got up and swung his legs over the side of the bed with a yawn and a good stretch, not sparing a glance at Joshua as if he had forgotten he was there and Joshua frowned. Jeonghans wing hit the lamp as he stretched and he scrambled to catch it from falling, barely making the catch but sighing with relief when he did. Joshua let out a short laugh at his antics, the scene reminding him of a cartoon. At the laugh Jeonghan turned to look at Joshua, who had moved away from the edge of the bed when he felt himself slipping off the bed, and closer to Jeonghan. Jeonghan gave a warm lazy smile, "You're awake." His voice was husky, an octave lower than it usually was and it surprised Joshua. Joshua didn't know how to respond and chose to just timidly nod, he could feel heat rushing to his cheeks when he thought about the way Jeonghans voice had sounded. Jeonghan cleared his throat before speaking, "How're you feeling? Are you hungry? I'm not much of a cook but I'm sure I could whip up some pancakes?"  

"I'm fine. I'm not really hungry," Hearing Jeonghans worried tone Joshua felt inclined to answer. Jeonghan nodded slowly to the answer. He pursed his lips while he looked at Joshua. Joshua looked away, Jeonghans gaze making him squirm.

"Are you sure you aren't hungry?" Jeonghan asked, a hint of disappointment behind his words. He sat for a second and thought. "You know what I'll just go make some pancakes anyway. There's no harm in making them is there?" Jeonghan grinned as he stood up and stumbled to the kitchen, his balance off from the nap. Joshua stood up and followed, already complaining. 

"Ah! You really don't have to Jeonghan. I'm not hungry!" Joshua tried to argue but his body betrayed him, his stomach letting out a loud growl. Jeonghan gave a melodious laugh and Joshua looked away embarrased..

"Looks like your stomach disagrees. Just sit down and rest while I make these pancakes. It's a special recipe," Jeonghan spoke as he flitted between cupboards."Now where was that flour I saw a minute ago?" he mumbled to himself as he worked to take out all the things he needed. Joshua gave up trying to protest and sat at the breakfast island - maybe some pancakes wouldn't be a bad idea. Joshua watched as Jeonghan measured out the ingredients and chucked them in a bowl. He seemed to know the recipe by memory and Joshua wondered just how many times he had made these pancakes. Jeonghan turned to Joshua who was staring at him intently. Joshua looked away as Jeonghan gave him a blinding smile. "Do you have poppy seeds?" 

"Poppy seeds?" Joshua was taken away by the question. Poppy seeds? Poppy seeds? "Oh, there's some in the same place you found the flour,"

Jeonghan went back to the cupboard he had found the flour and pulled out the poppy seeds. Joshua remembered the poppy seed and lemon drizzle cake he had baked for a charity fundraiser. He looked to the ingredients Jeonghan had laid out and his eyes landed on a lemon. Was Jeonghan going to make something similar? "What pancakes are you making?"

"Sunday morning pancakes," Jeonghan didn't turn away from mixing the ingredients to answer so he didn't catch Joshua's confused look. 

"What is in them?" 

"Just the usual plus lemon zest and poppy seeds," Joshua watched as Jeonghan continued to mix the batter, sprinkling in the poppy seeds. Joshua smiled to himself, satisfied he had guessed correctly. For a while they stayed silent, the sound of Jeonghan flipping the pancakes was the only sound heard until the pancakes were plated up and placed before Joshua. Joshua looked down at the golden pancakes in front of him, he could feel the warmth of them when he touched the plate and they smelled divine. Jeonghan poured some maple syrup on the pancakes, cut off a piece and, before Joshua could stop him, shoved the piece into his mouth. 

"Mhmm!" Joshua took a minute to chew and swallow before hitting Jeonghans chest. "Don't do that!"

Jeonghan held his hand over where Joshua hit him in mock pain before laughing. "Oh come on, you know you love it. Who else is going to feed you? Definitely not your angel friends." At the reminder of his angel friends the smile of Joshuas face vanished. He looked down and played with his food. Jeonghans laugh faltered. Had he said something wrong? 

"Hey whats wrong?" Jeonghan walked around the breakfast island to take a seat next to Joshua. 

"Nothing," Joshua mumbled and shook the hand Jeonghan had placed on his shoulder off. Jeonghan shook his head and placed his hand on Joshuas shoulder again. 

"No! Something is wrong. What is it? Did I say something wrong?" 

"Nothing is wrong!" Joshua snapped suprising Jeonghan but he didn't back off like Jeonghan expected him to. 

"Don't lie. Yesterday I found you bawling your eyes out because of something and today when I mention your angel friends you suddenly change your whole demeanor. So what is it? Did your angel friends do something?" Jeonghans voice rose as he talked until he was close to shouting but when Joshua winced at how loud his voice was he toned it down. "Joshua if they did something I swear." Jeonghan didn't finish the sentence but Joshua understood what he was saying. Since when had Jeonghan been so protective, been so caring? 

"It isn't my angel friends - its me...its me. Just look at me Jeonghan. I'm a mess. I don't know what right and wrong is anymore. I don't know what the truth is. Everything I believed in is falling apart in front of me. The friends I thought I could rely on have turned their backs on me. I can't sleep anymore because I'm plagued with nightmares. I look in the mirror and I don't even recognise myself!" Joshua was shouting and by the end of it he was panting to catch his breath. 

Jeonghan didn't know what to say. He didn't know if he should be pleased or not. This was what he wanted afterall; for Joshua to fall away from his beliefs. But Jeonghan didn't want it like this. He didn't want Joshua broken on the inside, a shell of what he once was. He didn't want Joshua to beome like him. He didn't want Joshua hurting so much. This wasn't what he wanted at all. Jeonghan looked at Joshua who had tear rolling down his face again. This was what he was doing to Joshua. This was the product of his doing. This was the consequence to his action. Jeonghan realise he was hugging Joshua until he was pushed away. 

"You broke me!" Joshua pointed an accusatory finger at Jeonghan. "You broke me! And for what? For fun? For your own personal game?"Jeonghan shook his head, desperately wanting to tell Joshua the realreason behind everything but he just couldn't. Joshua was already too broken. "You broke me and I let you do it. God I'm such an idiot. I let you break me. I hope you're happy. You broke me," his voice had been reduced down to a whisper and more tears were rolling down his cheeks. Jeonghan cupped Joshuas cheeks in his hand, wiping away the tears with his thumb.

"I broke you," Jeonghan sounded sad as he spoke, startling Joshua who heard the raw emotion in his voice. "But I promise I'll be the one to fix you."


End file.
